Why women date assholes


Alright. I’ve decided to take a stab at this myth, that women like or continuously want to date assholes a.k.a. the “bad boy” or jerk only.

Read on and you’ll see why this is not solely her problem. It is a direct myth. The problem also lies in guys. It’s not what you think. Watch how I fit in guys in the equation.

Why women date assholes- The straightforward answer

Scenario #1: 

A girl meets a dude. She is attracted to him. She thinks he looks attractive and speaks very well. It doesn’t matter if they’ve a lot in common or not.

Scenario #2:

Girl continues dating guy. They’re happy.

Scenario #3: 

They start to fight. She realizes he wasn’t all that he seemed to be and starts to see his ugly side.

He does a lot of not-so-attractive things like refusing to study, borrowing her money and never returning, refusing to get a job, getting drunk all the time, taking forever to return texts or calls if ever, getting in trouble with the law and oh man, he’s cheating on her.

Scenario #3a:

Despite all his asshole-tendencies, they’re still together in a relationship.

Why? Because she remembers the strong feelings created from the attraction during their first meeting. She believes there is still hope in the relationship.

Also, it has been a while since they got together. She is afraid to call it quits as she thinks it’s a waste. She wants to revive it all.

Scenario #4: 

They’re still fighting.

This is the part she is complaining to her friends about why her boyfriend is such an asshole/loser/douchebag and why she keeps ending up with such guys. Due to a lack of understanding and/or straight-up denial, she blames “bad luck.”

This the part YOU, the non-asshole nice guy is always willingly there for her. You listen to all her problems all the time.

This is the part YOU lament, “Women only like bad boys”. And because you believe this to be true, you judge that a guy is a “bad boy” as long as he has tattoos, rides a bike, is loud, drives a flashy car, has a six-pack and yes, dates more than one girl. This is your superficial reasoning.

This is the part YOU conclude, “I’m a nice guy and nice guys finish last.” Heck, you even say this and secretly hope someone acknowledges you for being that nice guy. On some level, you take pride in this. You know it. And you deeply want something in return, but refuse to admit so because you believe it’s only right to be nice and not expect anything in return.

This is the part YOU whine, “I’ve just been friendzoned.”

There you have it. The story-like reason to why women date assholes. It’s everybody’s fault.

Obviously, there’s a lot of subtlety involved, and they’re related to a lot of foundational truths in life. They’re all applicable to both guys and girls.

I can’t go into the how-tos without providing an explanation, so I’m going to just lay out the facts. You’ll see how it all ties in to the problem of women dating assholes and how non-asshole guys allow this shit to happen in the first place.

4 facts about dating to help everybody get rid of the asshole

1) Attraction is not a choice

This is a fact of life. You can be attracted to somebody and not even understand it. By that extension, we want what we can’t get and even want what is considered bad for us. We like to ignore everything that is supposedly good.

You can thus discard all the garbage self-help books, magazines or what your friends and family have been telling you. These are your feelings we’re talking about. As emotional creatures, we can never be perfectly explained in books or whatever.

How to utilize attraction properly: Simply put, follow your gut and never deny how you feel.

In the dating scene, attraction is mostly rampant in the initial phases i.e. where you guys just met. When there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry and that is awesome. If you guys hit it off, you guys have hit it off and that’s super fun.

That’s all there is in the attraction phase. You get attracted all you like, follow your gut and just have fun.

This sounds extremely obvious, but why is it important? Because there’re many people who are not following their heart, but instead listening to others.

I’ve seen my own guy friends who obviously like some girl and they’re like, “Oh I like her, but my friends think she’s fat. I don’t think I should date her then”.

This is fucking ridiculous.

The minute you choose to abide by others’ standards of dating and not your own, you lose by default. The relationship is going to fail with that shitty foundation, that is, if you two even get together in the first place which is highly unlikely.

Look, you guys JUST met. Despite your attraction, you don’t know him or her fully. Follow your own gut and try not to think too much about it. Whatever happens later can be dealt with later.

2) Presentation is extremely important

Looks matter. People are superficial. Get over it.

This is not just about the cliché idea that guys like slim girls with long hair or girls liking hot guys with six-packs. It’s also about how somebody chooses to present his or her innate personality, hence awesomeness at the start i.e. the attraction phase.

How to present yourself fully: Well, you know. You just do what it takes to make yourself look good.

Dress well. Put on cologne or perfume. Speak up. Don’t mumble. SHOWER. Buy trendy clothes. Stop being so shy. Exercise. Take an air-conditioned route so you don’t show up sweaty and smelly.

Easier said than done? The onus is on you. It’s how much you want it.

It’s baffling how so many guys out there choose to look like a slop on the first date. I recently heard of a dude who said he intentionally brings girls out to cheap, shitty eateries on first dates because that’d “test her on whether she’s down-to-earth.”

That is a horrible misunderstanding on how one would think they can bridge the gap to see if personalities can get along.

3) It’s not nice guy vs bad boy. It’s weak vs strong

Listen up now. This part is going to be heavy.

There’s no such thing as a “bad boy”, at least not in the misunderstood, mainstream sense. It’s also not a bad thing to be a nice guy and you don’t necessarily have to finish last.

It’s simply who is strong enough to go for what he wants. And you automatically lose if you believe that you have to finish last.

Look at it this way: An asshole may be an asshole with nothing going on for him in his life, but he knows how to present himself well. He even knows how to lie. He goes for what he wants by putting on a show and doing what it takes to impress her. He speaks his mind and hence looks good on the outside.

And nobody is the wiser, yet. See how presentation works even though it can be full of bullshit?

On the other hand, you, the nice guy believe that being is nice is enough. But your presentation is horrible. You’re shy. You don’t speak up. You mumble. Your clothes are the same shit you wore back in high school and your hair is longer than your dog’s.

And nobody is the wiser of how actually, you’re really a nice guy who has done a ton of volunteer work. Why? Because you don’t even speak up and you aren’t attractive at all! Who is going to want to know you better in a social setting if you aren’t even ready to present what you’re all about? How is anyone going to take you seriously if you come across as weak?

Do you honestly think somebody would want to continue a conversation with you if you breath stinks?

See how important presentation is for things that are truly important in life?

How to be nice and strong and totally not weak at all: 

First, be nice. This is basic common sense. That’s all.

But being nice doesn’t mean you have to be submissive. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Don’t let others take you for granted and let them walk all over you. Imagine a social setting where you, the nice guy laughs weakly at a joke that just insulted you. The same joke was passed over to the asshole, but he responds back with an even funnier joke, thus showing everybody that not only is he witty, but also not somebody to be messed with. Right there and then, nobody is going to care that he’s truly an asshole because they’re too busy laughing.

Also, remember that presentation is extremely important. Again, looks matter and people are superficial. Get over it. Use this to your benefit and start doing what it takes to look good. Nobody is going to remember you if you look plain. Nobody wants to be near you if you smell like shit too. Juxtapose all of that with a “bad boy” who willingly shows off his stereotypical tattoos. He’s at least appealing to his niche audience. Get it?

The strong also willingly gets out of his comfort zone to get he wants. The nice but weak doesn’t dare to do anything (and instead takes solace in the fact he’s nice and hence good enough).

Don’t settle for “enough”. Just do what it takes to get what you want. Push yourself and get over your fears. Remember, a girl would never fall for somebody she does not respect. If you’re the nice little friendzoned boy who keeps listening to her ranting about her asshole boyfriend, then that’s all you’re going to ever be.

You’d definitely gain some respect if you muster up that courage and say, “I’m sick of you whining about your useless boyfriend.  Both you and I know I’m a better choice for you, but you’re blind to it. I can’t be this guy anymore. Talk to me when things change.”

3a) The Friendzone does not exist

Dear all nice-guys-who-think-you’re-friendzoned,

Please eliminate this false idea. It’s only a weak conclusion you’ve come up with in your head that you aren’t good enough for her.

And when you do actually believe in this shit, you’re allowing real assholes to have their way. They’re simply grabbing the opportunity for you.

How to get out of the friendzone:

If you like him or her, ask them out. That’s all. Eventually, let them know how you feel.

Yes, they may not however, feel the same. That’s life. Not everything goes your way.

Move on then. At least you know you’ve tried. The next better person will come along and you’ll be happy.

And guess what? You’d still have the privilege of being his or her friend. That’s a good thing! Stop saying “friendzone” like it’s ultimate Loserland. It’s all in your head. Perhaps you aren’t ready to be the friend. Fine. Take your time to recover and come back later then.

Think about how ironic it is then that the asshole got the girl while you, the nice guy is sitting on the sidelines.

4) It’s honestly your own responbility to dump the asshole

What more can I say…

This isn’t about girls dating an asshole or guys who’re too nice for their own good being ignored. It’s about recognizing the toxic people in your life and dumping them.

Girls… if you know you’re dating the wrong guy, dump him. Breakups hurt, but you’ll be fine. The next one will be better. Don’t be afraid to make the best decision of your life.

Guys… please step your shit up so these assholes don’t get their way.

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  1. Fiore Mejia - March 24, 2014 7:50 pm

    You are so funny with this advice. It’s awesome and it’s very true!

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:41 am

      I know dawg.

  2. Tabitha - March 25, 2014 10:26 am

    Something that can be part of it is law of attraction, I have read that if you believe something, say “l only attract arseholes” then thats what you get as the universe believes thats what you want.

    Good job Alden 🙂

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:40 am

      Yeah that applies to all of us. Got to tweak that mindset.

  3. Kara - March 25, 2014 11:58 am

    Great article,Alden! I am a 68 year old lesbian and the info you give on
    “assholes” apply also to us homosexuals. I’ve been there. Keep up the good work!

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:40 am

      Nicely said 🙂

  4. Thabo Sam - March 25, 2014 11:59 am

    The ideas are so good!

  5. Bea - March 25, 2014 12:10 pm

    Thanks guy, I love your message. So authentic and honest. Appreciated!

  6. Kalena - March 25, 2014 6:20 pm

    I really like this article and I agree. 🙂

  7. Michael - March 25, 2014 6:52 pm

    Great Work ! Thank You
    I’m keep STRONG

  8. FtcRB - March 25, 2014 8:21 pm

    Good read bro, i do admit i’m guilty of some of the above mentioned. Haha keep on writing such awesome posts btw. Looking forward to read more of em!

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:38 am

      Time to change it bro. Don’t put girls on a pedestal.

  9. Sondes - March 25, 2014 9:42 pm

    Great article Alden! You seem to have heard many stories that you can categorize them and speak about them boldly…

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:36 am

      Ha it took me a while 🙂

  10. Ntando - March 26, 2014 4:49 am

    Awesome and an inspiring article man!!

  11. L1pz - March 26, 2014 9:40 am

    I just shared this article to my Facebook because…. FINALLY…. THERE’S SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT ACTUALLY GETS THIS DATING GAME MALARKY!!

    You, dear male of the species, are one clued up geezah!

    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:41 am

      Haha thanks man. Hope it helps your male friends too.

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  13. - April 8, 2014 9:18 am

    Waw nice post. Don’t forget visit me 🙂

  14. Guus - May 5, 2014 4:56 am

    Good post and good reminder!

  15. Edhren - November 8, 2014 1:38 pm

    Explain me how to not be “plain” as you say, when THAT’S THE WAY YOU ARE.
    You think a girl is going to be attracted by the way you smell, do your hair, white teeth,cool beard or any of that stuff? No sir.

    Personally, no matter how I try, I would never attract a girl with my look because MY FACE is not attractive no matter how much I take care of my body. I know there are girls who say that looks don’t matter as long as you love them for what they are, she will love you for what they are too, but those are rare these days where the way you look matters more than the way you feel.

    I know this blog is old, but I expect a reply sooner or later.

    • alden - November 13, 2014 9:30 am

      You’ll get nothing from me .

    • kimk123 - August 3, 2015 12:10 pm

      Girls aren’t going to like you JUST because you’re clean and have a cool fashion sense etc. You have to have ‘other qualities that she wants’, and every girl is different. IMO the starting traits is to not be forceful, controlling and not take away her priorities (e.g her dreams, her family, friends (everyone is different so it depends)).
      You shouldn’t expect a girl to date you even IF ‘in theory’ you two would make a good couple. If she doesn’t like you and you’ve already tried a lot, leave her alone; let her date who she wants; If its an evil person she wants to date then, in that case maybe report them both to the police; otherwise leave her alone.
      People aren’t challenges that you have to overcome, ‘they are people, like you’, let them choose who they like, just like how you want to choose who you like.

      That’s all I’ve come up with, I am confused about finding a partner too. But ‘I’ have trust issues and would rather be alone then rush into a relationship I don’t feel safe in. I think its all a risk, and maybe a risk worth risking.
      Maybe there are more articles online that have a solution to dating (maybe Alden has more, I haven’t read them all)

  16. Rohan Parikh - June 15, 2016 6:15 pm

    Nice article Alden. I have been there and its totally true. Speaking up is really helpful in that situations.

  17. Dani - June 16, 2016 12:08 pm

    yo alden, this blog is staarting to change my life. Dude, you’re absolutely awesome, keep doing what you’re doing cause you’re making a fucking difference, best wishes

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