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two angels and a cult

Two angels and a cult

As I wrote this little piece, I had no idea on how I could end it. Along the way, I started to envision it in an episodic format. As such, you could say this one of many chapters to come.

“Uriel, can you stop fucking playing with that stupid device?!” shouted Gabriel.

“Why? Come on man. This is pretty damn fun” replied Uriel as he tapped away on his iPhone sitting on the couch.

“God sent us down to prepare for his arrival. We are tasked to bring forth the powerful message to humans. I wish that you’d take your job more seriously!” Gabriel said in an agitated tone. “Here I am trying to create divine plans to help humans and make their lives better, and there you are wasting our time, yet again with these humanly inventions.”

“Come on dude. It’s been like thirty years. Give me a break. I am bored. Angels deserve a break you know?” Uriel replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Don’t ‘dude’ me Uriel. You’ve lost yourself. We’re angels! God’s most cherished and powerful creations! Have some pride in yourself!” Gabriel said as he spread his hands and looked upwards. It was obvious he took pride in himself and have also repeated that line many times before.

“Here we go again” muttered Uriel, still not looking up from his phone.

“I am serious Uriel! You should take time away from human activities and start studying again! I am not trying to act like I am on a righteous pedestal, but you should learn from me.”

“Every time an angel starts off a sentence with that, it means that he’s going to float atop a righteous pedestal, kind of like how humans like to say, ‘No offence, but..’ and then proceed on to piss others off anyway. By the way, you did say fuck though.”

“Well, I said that because I was agitated and wanted your help with these divine plans that’d surely help the humans! I’ll simply pray  for forgiveness later. And I wished that you’d take this seriously! I need you to be above everything!” Gabriel shouted.

Uriel laughed, while still tapping away on his phone. “You do know we’ve essentially created a cult right? I am not sure even sure our followers even give a crap about God, thanks to us.”

“For shame!” Gabriel shouted, again. “Everything we do in the Angel Squad is for the glory of Him! We’ve done so much! Just look at the countless achievements we’ve managed to gather. Just… why are you laughing!?”

“Nothing, nothing” laughed Uriel. “I just can’t believe you actually accepted the first name I pulled out of my holy ass for this cult we created. Haha.”

“And that is probably the only good that you’ve done so far for Angel Squad and Him” Gabriel replied.

“And I suppose you did a lot of good for the humans since we arrived?” Uriel replied, this time glancing over with one raised eyebrow.

“Of course!” Gabriel shouted, again.

“Like that time when you thought it was a good idea to dress up as vigilantes and prowl the streets at night? What was that absurd name you gave us again? The Wings Of Justice?”

“Indeed! I was Nightshade, and you were my trusty sidekick, Wingman!”

“Ugh. Please don’t call me that, not that I think that you got it all along. Anyway, that was a bad idea. Admit it. We killed way too many humans.”

“The criminals of Earth deserve punishment for the greater good!”

“You also killed that other costumed vigilante. What was his name? You know, that rich guy who dressed up all black and shit?”

“He sneaked up on me and accused us of being murderers!”

“Right. And then there was that other idea. Remember when you asked God to take away our wings so we could be become mortal for a year? And homeless at that! ‘We should learn the ways of the humans and empathize with their suffering’ so you said. Oh my God! That was awful!”

“Please do not use his name in vain. We did learn a great deal!”

“I definitely learnt that I hated having to deal with hunger, thirst and having to take a shit. That’s for sure!”

“Oh, stop being such a whiny angel” Gabriel said. “Now come on! Help me with these plans I divined!”

“Man, why don’t we just consult Lucifer? He’s been around way longer than us and he has a knack for such things” Uriel replied.

“He’s not picking his calls. You know how emotional he gets. Last I spoke to him, he was really upset from being blamed for everything these humans do” Gabriel said.

“So… maybe we should give up on this godly task of ours since even the great Lucifer couldn’t even accomplish it?” Uriel suggested.

“Heavens forbid! No! He himself has blessed us with this holy plan and we shall stick it through!”

“Alright, fine” Uriel sighed as he finally threw his phone to the side. “What new plans do you have for the Angel Squad?”

Gabriel cleared his throat. “My new divine plan would surely benefit all our current members and also pull in new ones! We’ll hold a camp at the nature reserve just outside the city. We’ll call it…”

“Oh joy. I simply can’t wait to hear what you’re going to call it” Uriel said.

“Let’s Wing It Together!” Uriel actually shouted.

Uriel actually said nothing then. He wasn’t even inhaling. He blinked once though.

“Let’s Wing It Together will be a fun-filled, week-long camp that’s going to be filled with fun activities. Our current members will act as counsellors” Gabriel said.

“Uh huh. And what kind of, fun activities will we be having?” asked Uriel.

“On the first day I was thinking of letting them experience the deepness of mortality, like we did during that year we were homeless. We’ll not feed them nor give them water. This’d surely make them feel empathy for their fellow brethren. Every morning, we’ll make them chant our daily mantra and dogma to instil the beliefs of God in them. Oh and to make them all make new friends, we’ll separate each and every one of them from their family and friends! We will give them little teasers as each day passes. We’ll tell them about the big secret of Angel Squad has all along that is us! We’re real angels sent from Heaven! But you know what?”

“What?”

“We will not reveal anything by the end of the camp! This is ensure that they will stay in Angel Squad forever!”

“Wow” Uriel said. “You just described every classic aspect of a cult. The secluded venue. The deprivation of food and water. The separating of loved ones. The fact that you will never reveal our supposed ultimate secret. A couple of dictators who act as the unquestioned leaders. You’re simply missing…”

“And it will only cost them a low-low price of one hundred human dollars for the week. I expect to get at least a hundred new members. I know where to find them. They’re all in that rich side of the city and most of them are so rich that they’re depressed” Gabriel said.

“Yep. There we go. And now we’re going to be rich too” Uriel said.

“Oh this is not just about money my dear Uriel. The money is a means to an end. I do not want you using the money for your humanly extravagance. Why, we need to fund what’s to come next!”

“And that includes?”

“Wars in the middle east. That would be step two. We need to go global then. We need to show the world that there is nothing but pain and bloodshed and hence, The Angel Squad is their salvation. Eventually, we would get to step three once we get enough members. We would, by our grace and compassion, allow them to die so that they can finally ascend to heaven and see God himself. We’d assist them of course.”

“Oh joy…” Uriel blankly.

“You should be more optimistic! This is our sacred duty! Enjoy it! Now, if you’d excuse me, I am heading out to execute the pre-setup of Let’s Wing It Together” Gabriel said as he walked away.

“What are you going to do?”

“I want to show this city that they need us. What this city needs is a grand catastrophe. So I was thinking of simply flying head first into those two towers.”

Do you want more honest-as-fuck stories like this?

1 comment

  1. Sekelani Kalembo - August 22, 2016 7:57 pm

    I enjoyed your short story boy Aldan Tan. Big up you know how to think up ideas into something awesome.

    Reply

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