For the life of me, I’d torture myself at home as I keep ruminating over and over in my head about what I should have said or done to that person, annoying guy or bully who wronged me.
“I should have said that!”
“Man! I definitely should have confronted him!”
“If only I stuck that last insult in!”
And so forth.
It’s torturous because it feels like you lost out. You feel like you didn’t get the last word in. You feel like they won over you by belittling you and getting away with it without some form of punishment.
And then one day, I did manage to act out exactly what I rehearsed in my head.
Long story short, instead of sending a long text to a toxic friend I once had, I decided to send, “Bye” only, thinking that the fewer the words, the better.
I felt it’d show how little fucks I actually gave.
Victory. I emerged the winner. I even played the role of the bigger person.
But alas, I continued to torture myself instead.
From time to time, I would wonder why I still didn’t add in that snarky remark, witty insult or an all-out verbiage to put that person down.
I wondered, wondered and I wondered.
Trust me, no matter how many times you rehearse, practice, imagine or play it out in your head, it will never be perfect; it will never be enough.
I am not sure myself.
I guess it’s because we allow our ego to dominate and take over as we feel that winning and putting others down are the only ways to be at peace.
But nah, it really doesn’t work that way. Being right doesn’t equate to being happy.
It’ll be a never-ending life of torture if you think of the “could have”, “would have”, “should have” and “what if.”
The best thing to do?
Just move on.
Be it feelings of glorious victory or devastating loss, move on.
You can’t change the past. You can’t take back what has been said. You can’t rewind time just to add in more flavor.
You can’t be happy if you don’t choose to look forward and be happy.
Just move on.
If anything, as I wrote here, it’s perfectly okay if you feel like you lost out. You’re actually the bigger person for injecting humility, empathy and compassion in your life for those around you.
And that’s way more fucking awesome than winning over others over some petty squabble.