Everybody wants and needs friends. Who wants to be alone? If you like being alone good for you. If you have no friends you are a loser.
Then there are guides to teaching you how to be like, the life at the party, how to be more sociable, how to be funny and I guess the basic essence of it: How to make friends
I am so sick of hearing about people telling you the good stuff. Alden Tan, the douchebag shall teach you how to lose your friends.
And if you really take this guide seriously, you deserve to be forever alone.
1) Borrow money from your friends
Take a loan from your friends, no matter how big the amount is, it’s a great way to destroy friendships. When you borrow a big amount, things get fucked up because it makes things weird. It doesn’t matter how close you guys are, when money is involved, things just get complicated, regardless of money back gaurantees.
“Wait a minute, I don’t really need to borrow a large sum of money!” That’s easy. Ask your friends to cover for you for little bits here and there, like coffee, the round of drinks etc. Then pretend you forgot about it because it’s too small an amount.
Borrowing money is by far the best method to lose your friends! Try it out today! It would make you rich!
2) Work together or go into business together
Because work screws up friendships, period. When friends get into a working-relationship together, they have the major privilege of finding out each others’ flaws and difference in working styles!
For example, you may think that emailing is the best form of communication, but your asshole friend thinks that calling you to reply your email is better! And then you get super annoyed because his call wasn’t obviously saved online and you hence forget everything! Amazing!
3) Listen to what he or she said behind your back
Then take it really seriously, even though you have zero evidence of what really went down or what was said exactly. After that, you can feel super offended like 90% of the world because when talks behind your back YOU JUST GOT TO BE PISSED!
Isn’t immaturity extremely convenient?
4) Not giving a shit
By saying you are constantly busy. Well that is understandable, since everyone’s life changes and priorities change and all that shit.
Therefore, the magic word, “Busy” ABSOLUTELY works ALL THE TIME!
Hey, who cares that modern technology makes it extremely easy to communicate today, like it takes a minute to type out a text, but it doesn’t fucking matter, because you were busy.
This little package here is just great, because being busy is interconnected to your life, career, girlfriend or family, and hence no one can argue against that! So keep using it!
5) Fall in love
Then neglect all your friends, the memories, the bonds, the hardships, because LOVE is all you need!
A partner is therefore more important in life as it makes you feel that certain special way and also, a partner can give you nice sex. (If doesn’t really count if you are having sex with your friends although FWBs are really awesome).
So start now. Love is all you need. Neglect everything else!
6) Pick up a new religion
Your new God would set you free and make you realize that you are a complete, imperfect piece of shit… mostly thanks to your friends and surroundings. Now isn’t that awesome?
I love it when something sets me FREE like a pigeon. I then get to shit on anything, anywhere, anytime I want. Because being free means I get to act like I know everything and abandon my useless, excommunicated friends of depravity.
7) Do it on purpose
Now this little subscription package right here is a tricky one. Purposefully losing your friends means to do it only as a last resort. It is when you tell yourself, “Enough is enough!” and you just have to tell your friends to get the fuck out of your life This is to ensure that you maintain the positivity in your life in order to experience a shift in paradigm which subsequently would make your life better.
As a 1-for-1 deal, this may also allow the friend you cast aside to experience positive effects on his life.
Which so much complications and jargon, this package is not recommended for everyone. Only douchebags like me can handle it.