This is another fictional piece. This was inspired by The Egg by Andy Weir.
This is kind of my take on what happens after you die. The title is a contrast on the seriousness, like oh shit, a children’s book which is so deep.
The picture below has no direct relation to the story, except that I think it’s cute.
“Oh man. Oh man. Oh Man” was all the little human could say.
It was rather expected of course. No one here could blame him. After all, he just died. He couldn’t understand what was going on around him.
Everything seemed white and bright.
Then the angel appeared.
“Hey little guy!” it said to the little human in a voice as though as it was singing.
“Whoa! What… Who are you?” the little human said, a shocked expression on his face.
“I’m an angel. See the wings? I’m here to guide you on your next step. Yes. You died. You’re no longer on Earth” the angel replied.
“What? Are you serious?”
“But, how?” asked the little human with a confused look on his face. It was more of a mixed expression, as if he already knew the answer. He was just trying to get words out in this confusing place. That was the only thing he knew to use to cope.
“Ahh yeah. There we go. That look. It’s always that little instant. Most of you remember how you died. You’re just scared for now” the angel reassured him.
“But…” the little human tried to continue.
“The cancer man. The one you were fighting for so long. It took you. The surgery flopped. I know, I know. The doctors said everything would be okay, but you know, complications and stuff. You didn’t stand a chance.”
“Oh… But my mom. Dad. My brother and sister…”
“All crying. All sad” the angel interrupted. “You can look down and see for yourself later.”
“Ahh alright” the little human said. “Down? I made it to heaven?! Awesome!”
“Err… Yeah sure. Whatever. Come on. We gotta get going.”
“What do you mean ‘whatever’? This IS heaven right?”
“It’s always the same old questions” the angel said as he shook his head. “Why do you humans like to ask about heaven and hell, or good and evil for that matter? It’s always only the humans.”
“Well, isn’t that the whole point of the afterlife? I worked my ass off during my lifetime man” the little human said with a tinge of anxiety in his voice.
“The after what? And you? Work? Buddy, you’ve no idea how far off you are man” the angel said.
“No. That can’t be. I went to church every Sunday. I did my volunteer work. I gave money and fed the homeless. I talked about my cancer and inspired a lot of people. I know I was a good person.”
“You THINK you were a good person. No, little one. All of you are the same.”
“I am not! As in, I’m better than… a lot of people!” the little human said with an offended, yet controlled tone. He didn’t want to say anything to upset the angel.
The angel gave a sigh. “I’m going to enjoy this part” he said.
“You were not great a person. You were just okay. You were normal. You tried hard, but only based on what very little you know. Everything you did in your life was based off your own, flawed model. Don’t think I didn’t see man. Don’t think we all didn’t see. Those times you screwed up and willfully did those things for your own gain? They weren’t little. They went a long way. You humans simply love to come up with excuses.”
“But, but… Howard…” the little human stammered.
“Oh your neighbor? Yeah sure. You saved him from killing himself that night. I saw it. Not bad. Your speech was alright, though a bit pretentious. After he moved away, he relapsed. In trying to live life to the fullest he hurt a bunch of others. He eventually killed himself anyway. Still feel like a big man now?” the angel stared at the little human.
The little human looked down.
“Frankly, you humans don’t know anything. Instead of trying to understand each other, you guys came up with the concept of good and evil, which pretty much suited your own model that focused on safety more than anything else. With that said, fear is all you actually know. You all never did want to understand anything beyond the model.”
The little human turned his head up and slowly turned his gaze upon the angel.
“Honorable thieves. Disgusting priests. Prostitutes with hearts of gold. Prisoners of regret with enough potential to change the model. Soldiers who killed quote unquote innocents out of duty. Homeless people who do indeed deserve everything they have. Cults which actually were doing real, proper good. That nice guy you personally wished dead just because you were having a bad day that day. Man, I can go on and on.”
The little human stood silent.
“We’ve a saying here. All we have to do is to produce some human’s life into what you guys like to call movies, make it real good and in that condensed couple of hours, make you all fall in love over, and over again.”
The little human was just staring at the angel now.
“But relax” the angel exhaled. “You can be the main character yourself. Come on. We have to go now.”
“Where are we going?”
“To your next life. Walk to that light.”
“What lies ahead?”
“Well you’re just full of questions now aren’t you?” the angel said. “It’s up to you. Hopefully you’d do a little better this time. Don’t worry about it. Just go. The setting is just a little different.”
“Really? Reincarnation? Really?” the little human said as he stopped. “Of all things? Come on.”
“Well you could call it that. And don’t give me that tone man. Were you not listening? What the hell did I just say?” the angel said.
“But… surely God… I mean if I made it this far and met you…”
“God? You’re jumping way over the gun now little one. Again. What the hell did I just say?” the angel repeated.
The little human looked down again, submissive.
“Will I see you again?” he finally said.
“Now that you know, try to have fun ok? Take full advantage.”
“I… I really don’t understand.” Those were the little human’s last words.
“I’ll see you again. And we’ll see what happens then. Bye.”