A tale of two dudes: 1 safe virgin, 1 sleazy fat ass


This is a little story I cooked up. It’s designed to make you think. It’s about how we all view people, how we live and how happy we really are. The messages inside, if you can detect them all and how I played it out are based on my real life experience and how I see men who can be (wrongly) portrayed. See if you can see how one of them tries to out dance the other. 

There are two dudes. They’re good friends. And they lead extremely different lives.

The first dude is a guy who followed all the rules. He is a very safe guy. He studied hard and graduated from college with highest honours. He works at a reputable, software company and is well-liked by his colleagues.

They’d go to TGI Fridays on the weekends for after-work drinks, that is, when they are called in to work on the weekends.

The first dude never got into any kind of trouble. He is an all-rounded nice guy and an upstanding citizen. Sometimes, he also does volunteer work.

He is spotless. He never broke the law before and his body is clean. No tattoos to deviate from the culture he grew up with. No scars to speak of any risks taken.

Throughout his life, the first dude has had a few relationships. Some of the ladies he dated were gorgeous and considered out of his league even, so he thinks. But they all never amounted to anything serious. Sometimes it was because he messed it up unknowingly. “Why? I was just trying to be nice” so he thought. He is a virgin.

But it’s all good, he would think from time to time. He’s already 37-years old. He knows he’s mature and that people like him for who he is. He just needs to try his best in everything he does and life will be deemed alright.

If anything, whenever he feels a little down and empty, he’d simply have to reread his favorite self-help books, attend a seminar or perhaps talk to some of his friends.

The second dude is a guy who is overweight, rather lazy and didn’t have as many friends as the first dude.

He did graduate from college too, though not with any kind of honors. He spent most of his college years smoking weed and partying. Today, he’s in between jobs as he can’t seem to hold on to one. He reasons that he lacked passion in all of them and the colleagues were pretty lame.

He simply didn’t fit in. Not everybody liked him, but that was fine by him since he felt he didn’t want to associate himself with “lamers” who were always got overly-hyped over events like Secret Santa or the annual company’s retreat.

He also knew they were talking shit behind his back.

During his free time, the second dude would use what money he has to go drink or find hookers. He can hold his alcohol pretty well. He’s the life of the party. He can down shot after shot of whatever concoction you give him.

He’d always look forward immensely towards picking up a whore from the streets. It is after all, and always, a good time for a release.

After every time the night was done, he’d go home to sleep. He stayed with his mom.

One day, the two dudes bumped into each other and decided to go into an impromptu catching up session over coffee.

It is said the following conversation ensued:

First dude: Man! It’s been what? Five years since we last met?

Second dude, smoking a cigarette: Ha I know right?! What the fuck have you been up to?

First dude: Oh you know, just working and stuff.

Second dude: Are you still at, what’s that place? Some new social network startup right?

First dude: TouchGalaxy. Yep! I’m still there. I’m up for managing director soon.

Second dude: Oh okay.

First dude: So what have you been up? Where’re you working at now?

Second dude: Oh nowhere. I quit my last job cause the people there were lame and the boss was an asshole.

First dude, putting coffee cup down: What? Are you serious? Then what are you doing for money?

Second dude: Nothing much. I’ve a ton on savings. Sometimes my mom slips me a little.

First dude, one eyebrow raised: Oh ok. So… how is your mom?

Second dude: She’s good man! Haven’t been better. I see her everyday. She can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I love her and she loves me. We’re practically friends. I guess ever since the divorce like ten years ago we’ve become closer. Since that asshole left, it’s like she’s finally allowed to be herself. Haha I really take after her. The stupid jokes she tells, my god. How are your folks?

First dude, takes another sip: Oh they’re fine I guess. I haven’t gone back since last Thanksgiving. We try to Skype every now and then, but it’s been hard. I’m too busy at work.

Second dude: Man dude. Busy is bullshit man. If you really want something, you’d fucking make time for it.

First dude: Ah.

Second dude: So you seeing anyone now?

First dude: Nah. Zoey and I didn’t work out. I guess there was a clash of our passions and also, juxtaposing her free spirit with my

Second dude, shaking his head the way satisfied men do: Man, Zoey? She was a fine ass.

First dude: … she was also many other things you know.

Second dude: Well, at least you saw her naked.

First dude, looks elsewhere, inhales forcefully: …

Second dude: Dude… tell me you did her. Tell me you did her AT LEAST ten times!

First dude, adjusting collar: Ahh no man. I’m afraid, I’m still a virgin. I think love is more important you know? I think when I finally do it it’d be after I find the one and get

Second dude: HA! Man! Come on dawg! Get it done and over with already!

First dude, blinks a few times, tone turns a little grim: Ahhh. How about you? Seeing anyone now? Or you still partying your life away?

Second dude: Nah man, not seeing anyone now. You know what I realized man?

First dude, takes coffee cup, pursed lips: What? That true love doesn’t exist?

Second dude: No man. That sex is no big deal. Not ever since I demystified it.

First dude: Demystify?

Second dude, lights another cigarette: Yeah. I must have banged over fifty hookers by now. Some of them are really cool people. People mind you, not just amazing bodies and huge boobs. Sometimes they’re nice enough to stay and talk after the deed is done.

I look back at my old self during high school and I can’t help but laugh at how stupid I was. I’m still fat as fuck, but remember how those girls would make fun of me? I was so insecure. Even some of the hos I’ve met are nicer than these bitches.

But now I know, these girls are nothing man. Hot or not, it’s ridiculous to think that these females have power over you. Once you know how it works, there’s really nothing to fear. I find it sad that there’s still a bunch of guys out there who worship the ground she walks on just because she’s skinny, has long hair or knows how to play hard to get, or some shit.

First dude, wide-eyed: Ah.

Second dude, whips out phone: Check out this hot blonde I met in Mexico.

First dude: Wow, you’ve been to Mexico?

Second dude: Oh a few times man. I get out a lot. It’s actually a really lucky thing that we ran into each other today. HA! Talk about weird man.

First dude: Ah.

Second dude: You? Been to anywhere recently?

First dude: Oh. Yeah. I was at Club Ted last year. The beach was nice! And the massage spa was great. The breakfast buffet was alright, but hey, can’t complain eh? So anyway, what happened at your last job? What did you do?

Second dude: Me? Nothing man. I just didn’t feel like I fit in. Didn’t want to waste anymore time, so I just up and left.

First dude: Haha. Well we all need friends man. You never know how they may benefit you next time.

Second dude, snubs cigarette in ashtray: Nah. I just need the few close ones I already have. Like you. Fuck everyone else.

First dude, looking at empty coffee cup: Ah.

Second dude, looks at watch, stands up: Listen man. I’ve got to go. It’s been great catching up!

First dude, still sitting down: Oh hey, yeah, same here man. We should ah, do this again sometime.

Second dude, walking off: Sure man! Like whenever. See you if I see you. Haha!

It is said that the first dude continued sitting there for a while after that. He had another cup of coffee. And instead of ordering his regular, he decided to try out a Cappuccino.

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  1. Kat - August 13, 2014 2:47 pm

    That’s a sad story. I think I’ve known them both and seems to me both guys are losers, not fully alive.

    • alden - August 15, 2014 8:05 am

      Interesting take you got there, though it wasn’t my intention.

      Both are indeed “losers” in some ways, but perhaps then, who among us are not losers?

  2. Kelley H - August 13, 2014 3:23 pm

    Interesting story–I think the ideal lifestyle would lie somewhere between being a 37 year old people-pleasing over-achieving virgin too scared to have an original thought, and a fat, lazy work-a-phobic slob sponging off his mom, bouncing from whore to whore and wouldn’t know a committed loving relationship if it smacked him upside the head.

    Their is nothing wrong with working hard and earning an honest living while saving it for marriage, as long as you don’t find yourself living everyone else’s values except your own. There is nothing wrong with living life on your own terms as long as it is not an excuse for slacking off. Luckily most of us reside somewhere in the grey area in between.

    • alden - August 15, 2014 8:06 am

      Nice clear take you got there.

      Though honestly my intention was to show that the fat dude is way happier than the other guy in this story alone.

      • Kelley H - August 17, 2014 10:44 pm

        Beg to respectfully disagree–both would eventually be equally unhappy. It is great to just do whatever you want whenever, but that gets old real fast if your life has no purpose. Eventually you have to grow up and take some responsibility for your life because at some point your mom is going to be too old to take care of you. Also, there is a huge difference between liking and respecting women as human beings and thinking of them as bodies for a guy’s convenience, even if the odd hooker can be “nice” or “cool” sometimes. Yes, hookers can be human beings and not just bodies for hire. Surprise! I am not a prude but random sex, believe it or not, is not happiness. It is recreation. It is certainly not love. The fat dude does remind me of John Belushi’s character in Animal House which is great in the movies, but in life not so much. Doubt he would really be happy. At best he may be blissfully ignorant of what a burden he is on his friends and family. And if you have to pay for your lovin’ it ain’t love.

        • alden - September 3, 2014 6:38 am

          I like to think the fat dude is headstrong enough to defy conventions and always does what he wants to be happy.

  3. cb - August 14, 2014 10:17 pm

    Kelley I think you are right. It’s somewhere in between these extremes.
    Maybe if these two dudes were to get together and start their own company they both would end up having the best of both worlds!
    Alden, thanks for this. It really does make one think, after reading it! Looking forward to more stories!

    • alden - August 15, 2014 8:07 am

      No prob cb.

      Haha I don’t think these two can work together, though that’d make an interesting story/movie.

      But as I said, my original intention was to show that the fat guy was a happier person.

  4. arsjaad - August 22, 2014 5:11 pm

    I live with my mum, I am a 27 year old hot virgin.

    Who studies philosophy and produce wikipedia articles. I am a weird mix of both. Yes, I also live of my mother. This is funny.

    I sprout out many sequences of trials in egoism and altruism.

    • alden - September 3, 2014 6:37 am

      Bottom line is whether you’re happy or not.

  5. Phil Janecic - August 26, 2014 3:53 pm

    Hmm, very interesting indeed. Makes you think. Can’t really say what my takeaway is from this, but it definitely put a bug in my mind. Cheers!

    • alden - September 3, 2014 6:36 am

      That’s good enough 🙂

  6. Sebastian Aiden Daniels - September 25, 2014 9:08 pm

    Aww man. Those are some extreme characters. The balance is being in between. It makes me think of Paul Rudd’s character in I Love You Man, at least he was having sex though. I guess the point you are trying to make is to try new things and experience life and at the same time do not go overboard. Who cares what others think. No matter what you do someone will dislike you for it, so learn to just be yourself, which is easier said than done.


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