I originally posted this on Medium. You may check my profile out on Medium here if you want to see more exclusive articles by me.
Yes. I’m one angry motherfucker.
You’ve no idea how much time and energy I spend thinking up crazy scenarios in my head where I get back at my wrongdoer. More often than not, being a dude with an ego, it’s usually about getting into a fight, winning the fight and of course, getting away with it completely.
Yes. I’ve issues.
I’m angry a lot. But I am not violent.
Heck, I have never gotten into a fight before in my entire life!
I hope to remain that way, but sometimes, just sometimes, I do wonder if getting into a fight would be good for me.
You heard me.
Nothing seems to ever work
I’m already 30 and I’ve spent a lot of time and effort in trying to overcome this anger of mine.
I’ve read up on anger.
I’ve spoken to a therapist.
I’ve opened up to my friends.
I tried meditating, kundalini yoga and all that weird crap.
Nothing worked for me.
I may not be getting into fights or getting in trouble with the law, but it fucking sucks to have the anger come out of nowhere when I’m like, just doing my work at the computer and overwhelm my mind and body completely.
Because of that, I’ve broken a lot of things around the house.
The anger always returns.
It’s not healthy. I know.
As an adult, I’ve tried to explore this phenomenon:
Why is it that I’m still giving in to this pain?
Why am I not trying harder to fight for change; a better me?
Am I a fucking immature, whiny little pussy who’s no different from a teenager filled with angst?
I’ve thought about it a lot.
This is why I’ve been choosing to remain angry
Because it’s the only time and place in this world where I’m actually right.
The therapist I spoke to said the root cause of my anger is from my childhood days.
I was brought up by very strict parents.
Whenever I fucked up, I got punished for it.
Slapped in the face. Scolded in public. Reprimanded in front of my friends and family.
You name it. I got it.
But whenever my brother fucked up the exact, same way, he got away with it. That was my perspection. This is what I remember.
Hence, since growing up, I’ve developed an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to injustice. I’ve this idea that my wrongdoers must be punished, or I’ll never find peace.
(Please note that my parents were good parents and were not at all abusive. As my therapist said, I have to learn that my parents, like all parents were simply doing their best.)
With that said, I’ve both subconsciously and consciously chosen to be angry because it is extremely hard for me to simply let it go when I am wronged, and nothing is done about it.
And you know what?
Despite knowing what’s the problem, I still choose to be angry.
Because anger is where justice finally exists for me.
Anger is where I am actually right.
It’s not something my friends or people around me will ever understand, and quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck anymore.
No man. I’ll not let “bygones be bygones” just because everyone spews forth that line. I was always man enough to apologize for and admit my mistakes. I expect the same.
No man. I’ll not “forgive my enemies” just because forgiveness is supposedly a very healthy thing to do. I’ll not deny what I feel and I don’t believe forgiving will magically heal me or make the perpetrator a better person, which you guys seem to think so.
No man. I don’t give a fuck that it was a long time ago. Time does not make a wrong right or change anything.
No man. Just because you say “let it go” doesn’t mean it’s that easy, or that I need to listen to you.
No man. I don’t care if they happen to be younger than me. Why are you wasting my time telling me this bullshit when you can be teaching these kids, who are actually already adults some fucking respect?
No man. I’m not childish, immature, crazy, weird or whatever. That is what only you think. Have you ever thought then, that you aren’t really helping? That you should have thought of using your head before saying such things to me? Who’s the immature one now?
And I already know anger is the fucking “poison I drink hoping someone else will die.” I know what are platitudes, and that doesn’t mean you’re actually helping.
For any of you to say any of this in my face and then expect me to really become better, it means you do not understand anger and what it’s like to truly be angry.
You don’t know me at all. You don’t know the things I carry with me.
If anything, this sense of righteousness is how I’ve learnt to become strong, honest with myself, thankful and most of all, sensitive to others’ plight. You may not believe me, and if you don’t, that is how I know who to surround myself with then, because I really don’t need your judgmental shit.
And if I can go through 30 years of my life so far without getting into trouble or hurting others the way I think I can, I guess I can hold out a little longer.
And yeah, I plan to do it my way.
I will not live another person’s truth.
To people who feel angry and pissed off with life:
I know I’m coming across as a totally unqualified person to give advice on anger, but I hope to be the voice of realness who’s sensitive to what you’re going through.
Do it your way. You’re not wrong
It may be frustrating when the supposed solutions out there don’t work for you. But that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you.
You feel what you feel after all.
So start being honest with yourself and go at it your way. Forge your own path and find your own truth.
Emotions are a damn hard thing to master. Whoever said they got their shit together perfectly are either lying or just downright pretentious. We all have issues. We all carry something with us. Do it your way and stop listening to others.
But you must stay out of trouble
Any kind of negative consequence derived from anger will never be good for you. It’s not going to be worth it. So be safe. Walk away from fights. Don’t use violence, use your words. Stay calm.
Nothing else needs to be said here.
It all boils down to your perception
Going for therapy and finding the root cause of your anger isn’t like in the movies, where the main character goes through some flashback and hits a major epiphany and then proceeds to live a happy life.
Nope. Gaining any kind of knowledge is always good, but you need to put in the effort to control your emotions and life consistently.
Think of shit, then life is shit.
Think of angry shit, then you’re going to be angry.
It is as simple as that.
That’s all I have for today.
I hope this article actually helps somebody today. Call it a rant, but it’s something I feel strongly about. I think it’s something a lot of people who’re suffering from anger, or any emotional issues think about, but don’t dare to speak out.
I’d love to hear your comments, whether you’ve gotten your shit together or not. Please keep it clean though. I know many of you will not agree with what I’ve written.