My previous post on learning how to talk to people without feeling awkward went pretty well. It got quite a few responses and it actually helped people.
So I thought I stepped it up a notch and write about how to talk to girls, something a bunch of you readers have also been asking me about.
I’ve had my fair success with girls
I’ve talked to girls. I’ve been with girls. I’ve been out on plenty of dates. I even did a few cold approaches before too.
However, I’m NOT a PUA (Pickup Artist).
Yes, I’ve read The Game, several times in fact, but that doesn’t make me a PUA. Hell, I don’t even think that’s a cool label.
I don’t dive deep into the culture and start approaching random girls I see on the street. In fact, asking me to do so now would trigger off major approach anxiety.
I rarely give specific dating advice myself. I don’t have a manual of tricks and hacks which I use just to get to know a girl better. I’ve messed up my own dates and relationships too.
And, I certainly don’t have an “awesome” track record of tons and tons of girls I’ve been with (compared to my friends, I’m nothing).
What I do know however, that talking to girls is just basic communication which a lot of guys fumble as they intertwine it with their own self-esteem.
That’s what I learnt mostly from reading The Game and also after some experimenting and dating for 27 years in my life.
It’s not about knowing the best shit in order to talk to girls, it’s about simply going back to your natural state of being yourself, hence regaining the confidence to converse with them!
What confidence? I’m talking about that confidence which belongs to you, but you lost them after becoming a shy little boy.
And why did you become shy? Because you judged her and judged yourself, or to put it simply, you made up a lot of stuff in your head about her and then you in turn started creating (or losing) stuff about yourself.
This guide is written by me, a normal guy. And by normal, I mean someone who has fucked up and made a lot of mistakes before. I’m not a rock star. I just believe in myself, and want to be happy…
… just like you right?
How to talk to girls without rock star credentials
1) Realize you hardly know her
The reason why a lot of guys have a hard time talking to girls is because we tend to have a bunch of preconceived notions formed in our head about her.
Before we even know her, we effectively judge her for reasons like she’s really pretty, or that we like her.
Here comes the best part…
For whatever we have in our heads that’s about her, we actually make them out to be true AND also, we need to live up to that standard.
Okay sure, you may really like her, but that doesn’t mean she’s everything you make her out to be!
It’s like we owe them a living that way.
You hardly know her.
So it’s a total blank slate. Just talk to her as if you were talking to a new friend as equals.
That means to say… both of you are not perfect. She makes mistakes. You make mistakes. Both of you most likely have some dirty secrets too.
In other words… she’s pretty messed up yo.
Get that in your head. She’s not better than you. So just relax and talk to her.
2) You’re not there to impress her. You’re only there to get to know her better
So all that being said, yup, you aren’t there to impress her.
You just want to make a new friend.
A lot of guys make it harder for themselves because they think they got to impress her.
They think that the entire objective of the conversation is to make sure she leaves thinking, “Wow that guy is so cool!” or “Oh my god I’ve never met someone like that he totally made me feel life is suddenly good!”
Of course, if you could do that, that’s cool and all, but what’s wrong with her leaving thinking, “What a nice guy” or even, “Yeah he’s alright I guess”.
Let me tell you: Absolutely NOTHING wrong.
If you think otherwise, then well it’s some insecurity issues you got to handle yourself.
But I’m telling you man, relax. Chill out. You are there to only make a friend! I can’t emphasize that enough.
You want me to break it down even more? Okay how about:
You aren’t there to break new ground in the art of conversation. You aren’t there to be her savior. You aren’t there to turn her life around as if you’re some world-renowned motivational speaker. You aren’t even there to score her digits or a one night stand.
Do you see it’s all about expectations? Load up on it in your head, and you’re just going to make it harder for yourself.
So, can you just relax and be yourself?
3) Don’t confuse your infatuation with your values
What values do you have as a person and how do they apply towards a girl or a relationship?
Or, what characteristics in a girl do you appreciate? Does she have to be smart? Witty? Passionate? Fun?
Whatever it is, BAM! You forget all of them. Because you think she’s pretty and you already think you like her. Who cares even if she keeps using her phone to Tweet during dinner, the dinner you’re paying for?
She may not possess any of the qualities you prefer, but who cares right? You can’t deny your feelings for her.
Therefore, if she appears uninterested or bored, you immediately conclude that you’re doing something wrong!
That’s totally untrue.
If she seems uninterested or bored, realize that you aren’t in the wrong. It just means you guys have no chemistry. And that means you ought to look elsewhere, which is really okay.
So, get it in your head that you aren’t doing anything wrong. Don’t lower yourself for her. There’s just no reason to feel shitty because someone else doesn’t appreciate you for being you.
I’ve personally tried conversing with girls who ignored me and appeared completely disinterested. Instead of trying further I just told myself that I could not vibe with her and obviously not suited for me.
4) Girls like a listener
So open up those ears.
Having a good conversation with a girl or someone you like would mean you not talking for at least half the time.
How do you become the listener? You just ask her questions.
Ask her about the basics: What do you do now? What’re your hobbies? Where do you like to go? Which school did you go to?
Don’t hog the conversation by talking about your life only, as if the sole purpose is for her to know you. Talk too much and you’d come across as self-centered. Give her a chance to express herself.
This means talking to a girl consists of you not coming up with any words. It’s where the ball is her court and you don’t have to do a single thing.
Doesn’t that sound great? You can totally relax then.
“Hey, what if she doesn’t talk much? I’ve got no chance to listen!”. Is that what you’re thinking?
Then, she must be really boring and dull, which isn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to talk to someone else whom I can vibe with.
That’s my answer. What’s yours?
5) Did I mention you should just relax?
A crap load of time.
Just chill out and relax!
Talking to a girl can be easy. The difficulty level is entirely up to you.
Use all of the above points to adjust your expectations and it’s going to be all good.
Be cool. It’s not rocket science.
Bonus point 6) Approaching a girl
I’m no PUA, but I did some cold approaches before.
I bombed a few times and also saw a bit of success.
Here’s how I did it:
Get everything the fuck out of your mind and just go talk to her like a man.
As per the Mystery Method in The Game, apply the 3-second rule and go talk to her before you flood your mind with insecurities and bullshit that puts you down.
Now, the more important point I want to emphasize is defining what is failure.
Is getting rejected or given the cold shoulder mean you fail? No.
Because at least…
… you tried. And that’s awesome.
You only “fail” when you didn’t bother to try (not that I think approaching a girl or not should even decide your self-worth in the first place).
There’s no reason for me to do approaches anymore. I hated it. I felt like a weirdo making up crap just to entertain her. But if anything, I learnt to let it go and not have so many expectations just to be happy.
Bonus point 7) Never blame her
Or anything else for that matter.
If you really want to get better at talking to a girl or approaching a girl, then take full responsibility for whatever it is you do in order to better yourself.
No, she’s not a cold-hearted bitch just because she wasn’t receptive towards your approach. She’s also not a whore just because she was quiet throughout dinner.
She may be simply protecting herself.
If you think you aren’t doing something right, just learn from it and move on.
But remember, sometimes it’s probably not your fault.
Get back to your natural state of being yourself and be confident again by relaxing.
Hope this helps.
Now, in becoming a rock star
I laid out what I think are basics to talking to a girl.
For a normal dude like me it’s pretty good stuff already as it creates the path ahead for you in talking and approaching women.
Do you want more now? Do you want to start being extremely successful in meeting women and even scoring further?
Then here you, The Tao of Badass
I’ve been looking around in finding only the best stuff to help you guys. So here you go.
Again, I’m not PUA, but I’m guessing a lot of you want it. I’m pretty sure it can help you all elevate, especially since this course helped a lot of people who were previously nerds and had no experience whatsoever in talking to women.
Check out the video here, it’s good!