How to not become that douche nobody likes

You know in life, amongst all your friends there’s always this one person who nobody likes? This particular douche is the subject of all gossip and teasing. We whisper and talk shit behind their backs and laugh at their idiosyncrasies. We also get bewildered from time to time from the amazingly weird shit that person does. As such, Outcast Douche has no friends and he mostly tries way too hard to gain attention.

So are you thinking, “Oh fuck I think I am Outcast Douche!”. Never fear. I, Alden Tan was ever once the Outcast Douche. I specifically remember in my younger days, that at one point my friends were ignoring me and I heard about people talking shit about me. Back then I was a major nerd who had no social life. I only focused on studying and my hair had no parting LMAO!!!

This just fucking says it all…

But now it’s been more than 10 years later and I am like super awesome! So here’s my handy guide on How to not become that douche nobody likes:

Don’t be anti-social

Pretty logical here. I don’t care if you don’t feel comfortable around many people or meeting new friends. You got to make the effort to at least break out of your comfort zone and take the initiative to know some people. If you are the anti-social person, it doesn’t always mean you prefer to be alone, it can also means you are that bloke who doesn’t bother to show up at any gatherings or that weirdo who sits alone in the corner Tweeting or checking your less-than-50-friends Facebook profile.

Don’t try too hard

When you try too hard, people can tell. People will be like, “Oh man who’s this lamer who keeps trying to get his opinion in so much”.

If you have something funny to say, just let it flow in naturally, don’t be all like, “HAHAHA time for a joke!”

Don’t try to show off, like “Hey! Who wants to see me get drunk on 5 bottles of beer?” Lame shit, who gets drunk on 5 bottles anyway.

Even if you want to be part of the group, remember to respect people’s space and privacy. It’s actually OKAY to have your own space and give others their own! Don’t be tagging along so much and become a parasite or a foul smell people wish would go away.

Observe the group dynamics

And play along, even if you disagree with something. You don’t want to end up saying something completely inappropriate. When the group wants to do something, just follow it through. Don’t insist on your own shit and think that everyone would agree with you all the time. By trying to be different so much, you will turn into Outcast Douche who seems to have a problem with everything.

Thread lightly on the jokes

Some of the funniest shit to poke fun at are fucking offensive. Racist jokes may be tolerated by certain people (if you do it correctly), but others may be super offended. Some people can’t even take Your Mom jokes, cause they be loving their mamas. Yo, if you need to think of whether the joke is funny or not, then just shut the fuck up.

Don’t say one shit and do other shit

Outcast Douche is the person who has almost no respect from his friends. Why? Cause he talks a lot of shit, and he doesn’t act on anything. He can be like, “Aww yeah!~ Just banged that chick I hooked up with last night!” and then somehow the rest finds out it ain’t true! Don’t even THINK that you can get away with it! With social media today especially, someone is bound to find out.

This is the ultimate formula to become that douche nobody likes. Basically, being a hypocrite and a dickhead who lies compulsively gets you nowhere.

This is just be a small basic guide to living and having a social life. At the end of the day, nobody fucking knows yourself better than YOU do. If you want to make a change, then only you and only you can do something about it. If you want something, go for it. If you think you are fucking up? Self-reflect, then change. Don’t become Outcast Douche cause that’s just sad as you will grow up with no friends and get fat!!

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  1. Brian - September 9, 2011 3:12 am

    I hereby endorse this article and proclaim my love for it!

  2. Michael_Singam - September 10, 2011 3:26 am

    First of all i just want to say that Beyonce has the best video of all time !! Well written bro and ive been following since u joined this year’s Cleo’s Bachelor and i supported u 100%. When i got to know that you weren’t gay, i was so disappointed. Till then i will never lose hope and hope that one day you will join me

  3. Pingback: How to be liked by people: the quick guide | Alden Tan

  4. Pingback: Not giving a fuck and your mom jokes | Alden Tan

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