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How to dominate post-breakup trauma

I remember my first breakup.

Every morning when I woke up in bed, I opened my eyes. I probably gave a yawn. As usual, I knew I had to get out of bed, get ready for camp (I was in the army back then) and then head out of the house.

Then my brain registered that I had broken up.

That horrid feeling that bordered close to depression just overwhelmed me, as if a wave of bad feelings waited all night to sweep over my bed and drown me in the morning.

I just knew there and then that it was going to be a fucking horrible day. 

This happened for about 2 months.

Every, single, morning.

Then I got a little better. 

I thought I had moved on. My days weren’t so bad any more and I found myself thinking less of her.

Until I saw new pictures of her on social media and it seemed like she moved on way ahead of me. I felt forgotten. She won. I lost.

I continued to feel like crap again.

This went on for another month or so.

The first breakup is always the hardest

It is isn’t it?

It was for me at least. I loved her after all.

Or at least for the first time in my life I felt the highest sense of romance and emotions that combined to give me what I thought was love.

And with that, I had all sorts of dreams and aspirations with her. We talked of a long and bright future. We didn’t hold back! Imagination was insane! We were going to get married and we started laughing as we came up with stupid names for our kids.

When the breakup happened, all of that disappeared. Forever.

They were crushed. And there was no possibility of them being revived ever again.

That’s why the first breakup always sucks the most.

But that’s not to say other breakups are cool…

Be it the first, second or third, all breakups kind of suck.

Especially if you felt you really love him or her.

Because you felt like you love your partner, you invest all these emotions in the relationship. You have all these dreams and aspirations with him or her and you just thought things would work out. To even allow a negative thought of the relationship is like blasphemy!

Then when you break up, a void forms.

And you feel so empty inside. You aren’t even sure what can fill that void. Your usual self is totally lost. Things that used to amuse you or make you go, “Wow!” and smile all suddenly seem like a waste of time.

Video games? Forget it! Fake and lame.

Hanging out with your friends? They can’t give you the love you want.

Dating someone else? They are not [insert your ex’s name here] and that’s the only person you want in your life.

Is there even HOPE for a better life ahead?

Like me back then, you probably answered no.

Simply because a breakup is there to make you feel that low in life.

But I’m here to tell you now. For whatever it is, whoever you and where ever you are, a breakup shouldn’t bring you down that hard. Forget about feeling so low in life; life isn’t meant for you to feel so sad or even depressed. A breakup is hard, but it’s not the end of life and there’re things you can do for yourself to make it that much easier.

I’ve been through enough breakups to seriously upgrade myself and I’m here to help. I know how it is to seriously feel the sharp pain in your body and the never ending ache in your mind. Also, the supposed help you get nowadays from typical, “How to get over a breakup” articles which ultimately tell you, “time heals all” are well, not real enough.

This is realness, from me.

How to dominate post-breakup trauma

Dominate your mind first

1) Go ahead and feel as bad as all you want

Because it’s going to hurt. It will. You’re going to feel the pain and feel like shit. And that’s how it’s going to be.

Accept that. Embrace the pain.

That means to say, don’t be asking why does it hurt so much or what did you do to deserve such pain. The pain is already there and wondering about it is going to be a waste of time.

Now take your time with the pain. You did after all, just go through a heartfelt relationship with someone you taught you love, and only you know how special that was.

SO this means to say, no one else can fully empathize. I personally find it annoying and totally not helpful when people think they’re qualified to give me relationship or breakup advice, however good their intentions are.

Advice will mean fuck’all anyway especially when you feel the early pains of a breakup.

And this means to say… The pain ultimately shows how meaningful the relationship was. Embrace for what it was and maybe to a little extent, what it could’ve been. The pain shows you’re a good person who knows how to love and have the capability to care for someone.

Instead of wallowing in that pain and feeling pity for yourself, take it all and realize how human you actually are.

2) Answer this question, “What do I want now?”

This was by far the best advice a close friend of mine gave me after my first breakup. I was feeling so messed up inside I just had to call and talk to someone.

And this stood out, [tweetherder]The most important question you simply need to answer for yourself right now is, ‘What do I want now?'”.[/tweetherder]”

Answer that ONCE with all your heart and mind. I’m talking answering with all the stability and emotional control you’ve, because you’re a good and sensible person. Stick with that.

Notes: If you answered, “I want [her/him] back”, then do whatever it takes you think you need to do to win that person back. Try ONCE only. 

You have to know that there may be a mismatch of value between you and that person.  If you are not wanted any more, then move on. That’s truth. Your desire is not anyone’s else’s desire, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your next efforts can be used for better things.

3) And never look back

Have you answered the question above?

Okay good, now don’t look back. Don’t.

The past is the past. Looking back would only serve to potentially screw up the bright future you’ve after you overcome the breakup.

You know how some couples, despite after breaking up start getting back together like a million times? When asked about it, they’re like, “Sigh… oh it’s complicated” or give bullshit like, “It’s true love”. Whatever it is for them, nobody around them respects them.

And it’s all because they look back and disregard the fact that a better future with someone more awesome exists.

So STOP fearing that the future sucks! It doesn’t. It’s all in your head.

Can you start believing in a better future? Okay now you’re ready.

4) Because you’re going to own it in your next relationship

You know you’ll right?

It’s common sense.

Fuck up in your first relationship. Learn and do better in your next one. Fuck up in that one, learn again and do even better the next one.

And I believe you can do better. OBVIOUSLY this means to say you can meet someone new.

When you do, it’s going to be an awesome one. When you learn from previous relationships, that’s what it means to never settle.

Because you only deserve the best for yourself.

I can’t predict your future. You can’t either. So why keep thinking about being alone forever?

5) Remember that you’re allowed to be happy

Life isn’t over for you.

And you are, by default allowed to be happy in this world, simply because you were given life.

It doesn’t matter if you just broken up, have a shitty job, a bad day, disappointed by someone or lost your wallet.

It isn’t the end of the world and you’re allowed to be happy.

Besides, you aren’t alone. Many people go through bad breakups and they’re, as of right now, feeling pretty low too. Take comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone. If others can get through, so can you. And it’s your chance to help others.

Dominate your lifestyle

1) Delete him; delete her

As with point no.3 above, it’s time to never ever look back. And you can do that by eliminating the chances of falling back into the past.

I do that by simply deleting her off all my accounts, and that includes  her number, Facebook, MSN, Skype or whatever social networks (this includes FRIENDS). I made the mistake of viewing my ex’s profile and I was devastated that time. Also, I always delete the mobile number for fear of drunk-texting or calling. That happened a lot, and never resulted in anything good, only major laughs and embarrassment.

Note: “But hey! What’s wrong with being friends after a breakup?” is what you’re protesting right now.

That’s totally fine, but does it hurt like fuck

I find that many people subject themselves to more hurt simply because they think retaining a friendship is the moral thing to do. I think it’s more moral to watch out for your well-being first. I personally recognize my pain, and I know I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to wake up feeling horrible.

I’m friends with them only when I know I’m totally fine and ready. If you aren’t, I suggest concentrating on recovery and moving forward.

Hope is something which should be steadfast and offer a preview of a brighter future (growing stronger and meeting someone better) and not the carrot which dangles in front of you (totally false hope, getting back together for sex only, drunk calling/texting, short-lived patching back etc).

2) Distract the hell out of yourself

Tried, tired but true advice.

You got to distract the hell out of yourself to simply get your mind off thinking about your ex.

Now, of course this is going to be extremely hard. I know. Post-breakup trauma leaves you a collection of crappy feelings which makes you feel hopeless. Everything in life seems like a big chore and just wanting to reside in your room alone seems more appealing than anything. But that leaves you little space to grow as your mind goes crazy while your heart weighs you down.

After my first breakup, for the first time in my life I started a journal and took walks in the park alone. That sounds kind of gay, but it really helped.

So, to distract yourself, you absolutely have to FORCE yourself to. Fight all the bad feelings, get off your ass and just try something. It could be playing a videogame, going for a walk, exercising or being around friends.

It all isn’t going to be easy, and it isn’t meant to feel so. It’s a little like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”,

But I like to be clearer and call it, “Doing a lot of hard shit when you don’t even feel like it, and it’s going to make you man up, build character and become way stronger than you can ever imagine”.

3) A bit of escapism can help

Whoa oh, taboo here. Not.

But you know? What’s wrong with escaping? To get away from it all?

Breakup or not, I’ve always been quite an angry person. Being pissed over little things and wishing bad karma on my wrongdoers.

So that’s why I love drinking. Alcoholic beverages gives me that little buzz and high that makes me feel good about myself and that everything in this world is okay.

I fucking love escaping reality. Because sometimes it’s shit.

And breakup trauma is just that.

You know it is!

So please, for the sake of your well-being, escape from it all! Distract! What rocks your life boat no matter what? Masturbating? Porn? Drinking? Screaming? World of Warcraft? Sudoku? Smoking?

Note: I don’t condone an unhealthy lifestyle. Neither is addiction cool. I said *a bit* of escapism. Please do everything in moderation. You won’t see me getting drunk off my ass all the time and getting into fights.

4) Start dating and meeting people, with perspective

This is by far the best method in getting over a breakup: Meeting someone of the opposite sex.

No, you don’t start this “only when you’re ready”.

You carry that shit out, NOW.

Meeting someone of the opposite sex is like a 1-for-1 package deal replacement of pain, with hope. This even effectively covers everything above.

And no, it’s not “wrong”. I did not say anything about being an asshole and using others for your own gain or manipulating others’ feelings just so you can feel better about yourself.

All you’ve to do is simply be honest with yourself and other people.

Then add a little perspective:

When I say make more friends: I’m not asking you to look for love. I’m asking you to merely make more friends and expand your social circle.

When I say go approach that girl at the bar: I’m not asking you to make out with her, achieve a one night stand or even score her digits. I’m only saying get to know her for who she is and add a friend to your life.

When I say go meet more people: I’m just saying relax, and have fun!

Do you see the message I’m trying to give you here?

I’m saying open yourself up to other people and the world! You’ll be surprised how much you can learn about others. Discovery is going to make you stronger.

And it’s an unlimited adventure 😉

Time heals all?

That’s kind of cliché, that time would eventually heal all your wounds and whatever that ails you.

Which is kind of annoying because it means you’ve to wait, all in your shitty state.

The way I like to see time healing us all is this:

Ask yourself, how do you forget something? You create new memories to replace the old, or at least let it fade.

And you create new memories by living it up.

Just keep living, doing new things and start living an epic life.

Start small, with the steps above.[tweetherder] Get off your ass and don’t wait for time.[/tweetherder] Life isn’t meant for us to feel depressed about and feeling sad all the time over someone else.

You ultimately dictate your own happiness.

How bad was your breakup? Do you need any more help? Let me know in the comments. 

Peace.

BONUS BREAKUP MATERIAL FROM 3 EPIC DUDES

Had enough? I hope not. I got some really awesome outside perspectives on breakups.

They are none other than my good buddies online from the blogosphere and I’m super proud to have them on Alden-Tan Passion on the Real!

With all our “amazing” credentials combined, we’re here to not just dominate your post-breakup trauma, but help you recover so much that you practically change and become way cooler than you can ever imagined.

Totally not douchey, sexy and not sexist, check out what they have to say!

Jason Fonceca of RyzeOnline

Bio: Happy genius, homeless before and plenty of breakups . One of his exes betrayed him and landed him in jail once. 

Look — straight up, life has shitty moments, and break-ups usually fit. Uuntangling two people who’ve blended their lives can suck. OR it can not. We’re all learning. Some of us are great at break-ups (ME :P), some of us aren’t so great. Ask yourself, do you wanna walk around earth being too lame to express your feelings, handle other people’s choices, and X — ORRRR do you want the practice? Do you wanna master your emotions? Do you wanna be badass enough to come off looking and feeling classy during dark break-up times?

Well, if you wanna be the badass, here’s the basics to get you started:

1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Seriously, I’m not interested in helping you, and you wont learn anything anyway if you cant get your physical body to take a single deep breath.

2. REALIZE THERE’S 7 BILLION PEOPLE in the world. Get some perspective. People grow, people change. The people you met last week, month, or year — are NOT guaranteed to be on the same path as you, and embrace the same emotional changes. If they are not a match, YOU WILL SEPARATE.

3. CONVERSE WITH CLASS when you discuss the issue. Don’t blame, hate, judge, put him/her down. Just accept that they brought some goodness to your life for a while. If you feel pissed, own it. “I feel pretty fuckin’ pissed at so-and-so, but I know they’re not a BAD PERSON. Just gimme some time.” Doing this let’s you move on much quicker, and sometimes brings the other person BACK in a new way. I’m famous for having exes contact me, or at least google me – why? Because I know who I am, I blame no one, and take responsibility for my part in things — even if its something simple like “Welll, I put up with a crazy person and ignored the warning signs — my bad.” 😀

Break-ups happen, accept it and stop bitching, unless you’re trying to be the Guinness World Record Holder of NO BREAKUPS or something.

Benjamin Jenks of Adventure Sauce 

Bio: Coach, video artist, & adventurer. He helps thoughtful people go on adventures that matter. He also love people and wrote a free e-book to help you talk to anyone.

A break-up could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Sure… you hate me for saying so, because you feel like vomiting all over your shoes, punching your ex in the face, and then curling up into a ball to sleep for 3.2 years.

But one day the pain will blow over.

When it does, you will feel a sense of strength and resilience that you didn’t know was possible.

I’m Benjamin, a Swagger Coach, video artist, and adventurer. I’ve hitchhiked over 22,000 miles, slept alone under the stars for hundreds of nights, and spent thousands of hours counseling the “bad” kids that got kicked out of school.

I’ve traveled a lot and if we were hanging out over a cold beer, I’d encourage you to travel too… now.

Especially if you just had your heart shredded into pieces. Just the act of being away from your city, away from your home, and away from your ex can help you see the vast possibilities the world offers. You will see the world, people, and most importantly yourself in an entirely new way.

This is one reason why this break up is so important to you…

It can help you clearly see who you are, what you want, and that the “pain” you are feeling is just an illusion. This break up can shine a light on the True Love within you right now.

It will help you knock the socks off some hottie one day.

But you need to accept that it’s over, feel all your feelings, and forgive that lying, cheating bitch/dick of an ex. 🙂

If you want to tell me to go fuck myself… that I don’t know what it feels like… let me spill a quick embarrassing heartbreak story.

I once felt so heartbroken, I slept outside for 2 months vowing not to return to my bed, until we were back together. I erected a huge banner in the front yard declaring my love and littering her driveway with love notes and flowers.

Let’s just say that didn’t work and it took my heart about 6 months to fully recover.

But the pain of that heartbreak did motivate me to make the conscious decisions to be complete in myself. This was one of the reasons I chose to travel the world, hitchhike, and go on so many solo adventures.

Yo… if you were expecting life to just hand you happiness, lollipops, and free beer, you’ve been watching too much MTV.

Heartbreak is an essential part of any full, wise, and passionate life.

I encourage you to dive in, drink it up, and decide where you want to travel too.

Cam Adair of KingPin Lifestyle 

Bio: Was in the PUA (Pick Up Artist) field long enough to know it’s bullshit. Cam is a master at relationships and interaction

Getting over a breakup is tough. Your feelings will be hurt, your heart will ache and it’s easy to feel rejected. These emotions aren’t exactly sexy. Losing your partner leaves a void inside as the special bond you two shared disappears. The temptation to fill the void with someone else will be high…

… But a word of caution: don’t do it. It will only make you feel worse and miss your partner that much more.

So what should you do instead? Focus on your friends. After a breakup it’s common to feel lonely and unwanted. It’s tempting to lay in bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. Losing your partner can cause you to lose part of your identity. Hanging out with your friends will fix this. It will remind you why you’re so awesome, and keep your perspective wider. Remember to listen to them. They have an outside view, and are seeing the relationship through a different lens. They will help you see the situation with more clarity, and help you stay busy.

During one of my breakups I was having a really hard time. I couldn’t shake the anxiety I felt day after day. One night I was laying on my bed and it was worse than ever. I called a friend and they invited me to go see the movie “Superbad”. I said ok. The next two hours were spent laughing instead of crying, which made me feel a lot better.

Laughing reminded me that life wasn’t so bad, and there was more to life than the anxiety I was feeling. This night was a positive turning point in getting over that breakup. Hanging out with my friends made the difference.

Alden: Breakups all kind of suck. That’s a given. Have you dominated your breakup? Remember to leave a comment if you want more help from me or these guys! 

P.S. 

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Now if you really want to get your ex back, for whatever reason (I can’t judge. I’m not you. Maybe you guys are still meant to be together), then check out Text Your Ex back.

It’s a pretty neat course on teaching you how to start small and take simple texts to start talking to your ex again, with text. Pretty easy eh?  Check it out here.

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152 comments

  1. Ja - September 25, 2012 10:43 am

    Thank you all. I’m going through this right now – my first breakup. I’m turning the corner now, the anxiety is almost gone, the road is bumpy but i give it space.

    Reply
    • alden - September 25, 2012 5:12 pm

      It’s meant to be bumpy for sure Ja. It isn’t going to feel, but sometimes, it’s that pain which makes you feel alive and HONESTLY, that goes to show how real your relationship was…

      … something many couples actually hope for ;).

      Reply
      • Ja - September 28, 2012 7:53 pm

        Thanks Alden. I’m trying to answer that question “What do you want?” … I don’t have an answer yet. Sometimes I think the answer is “I want her back” but I don’t think it’s possible.

        It certainly was a great relationship.

        Reply
      • Das23 - August 31, 2016 7:31 am

        I am going through all of this!! On the stage of not talking for 2 weeks and have been blocked on everything, so I need to do the same right??

        Also, how can I do all this when that someone I see every single day at work!? Which makes it 10x worse…

        Reply
    • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 12:41 pm

      From chaos comes success, Ja. 🙂

      Reply
      • Ja - September 28, 2012 7:49 pm

        I’m liking your infographics Jason.

        Reply
        • JasonRyze - September 28, 2012 8:00 pm

          Now, THAT is what I like to here, Ja! I pour my heart and soul into ’em 🙂

          I assume you’re referring to:

          http://ryzeonline.com/happy-life

          yes?

          Reply
          • Ja - September 29, 2012 10:46 pm

            Yep, that’s the one. And I can tell you put a lot into them. Reading the rest of your blog.

        • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 30, 2012 10:02 am

          Thanks so much, Ja. Love that you’re feelin’ it.

          The blogs with real wisdom, and real talk 🙂 You’ll love it 🙂

          Reply
    • kendra - October 25, 2016 5:58 am

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      Reply
  2. Cam - September 25, 2012 4:32 pm

    Hey Ja! Thanks for commenting. It’s definitely tough but every day it will get better. A quote that made a significant difference for me after a bad breakup was: “This too shall pass.”

    Good luck! Let me know if I can help you in any way.

    Reply
    • Ja - September 28, 2012 7:57 pm

      Thanks for your wise words. Remembering that phrase certainly brings you back to where you are.

      Reply
  3. John - September 26, 2012 6:19 pm

    Another great post! I had no idea you were in the Army too. I remember my first break-up and it definitely was the toughest to deal with. I was learning how to handle this new pain. I was 18 so I thought the best option was to ignore it and not admit I was hurting. Supposed to be tough, right? Now I’ve learned it’s ok to hurt and it is a valid feeling. Let the hurt do its thing because we will heal and move on. I think in the end we grow from it and enter a new relationship more mature.

    Reply
    • Cam - September 27, 2012 1:21 am

      Hey John, thanks for commenting. Definitely agree that feeling the pain is important. Avoiding things never works. Hope you have a killer day!

      Reply
    • alden - September 27, 2012 6:15 am

      Yeah all Singaporean dudes have to be conscripted once we turn 18. Probably the worst two years of our lives lol.

      Yes exactly! This “new pain” was just so real yet unreal. It was insane.

      But you definitely mature and grow from it, so much so it becomes an awesome story to share in the future with your fellow bros ;).

      Reply
    • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 12:41 pm

      I didn’t know he was in the army either!!!

      Reply
      • alden - September 27, 2012 10:43 pm

        LOL now you know. Meh. I think it’s not just a big deal to us Singaporean dudes, because everyone is forced into it. And like all of us hate it :P.

        Reply
        • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 11:09 pm

          Stuff that’s no big deal to you, is a personal quirk most people wanna hear more about! 🙂

          Reply
        • Cam - September 27, 2012 11:25 pm

          Thank god I live in Canada. 🙂

          Reply
          • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 11:30 pm

            Dude! Another fellow Canadian? DAaaaaamn we rock it.

            🙂

            Toronto in the house!

          • alden - September 27, 2012 11:44 pm

            Dude! I’ve to keep approving all your comments now lol wtf.

        • Ja - September 28, 2012 7:55 pm

          I have a friend who recently came here (UK) from Singapore. He said in hindsight he loved it.

          Reply
          • alden - September 28, 2012 9:33 pm

            Ask him if he’d go through it again.

            I guarantee the answer is no. 🙂

  4. Veronika - September 27, 2012 1:40 pm

    Hi Guys,

    Alden, I’m the chic from Canada who is taking care of her dying mom at home. Stumbleupon brought me to your website. When I broke up with my fiancee 7 years ago, we did not communicate for 7 years after. 6 months ago, had to call him re: mom. He came over within 20 mins. He hasn’t left. I say this because we both KNEW it was over; for then. Love is a mystery. Sometimes it’s a question of maturity.

    Good luck to you all, and WHATEVER life throws your way. We can take it!
    V

    Reply
    • alden - September 27, 2012 10:44 pm

      Hey Veronika,

      Thanks for dropping by and sharing.

      Love can be a mystery indeed, and I guess the universe sometimes just works it out for you :).

      Reply
    • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 11:10 pm

      Veronika! A fellow ballin’ Canadian reppin’ hard, I love it 🙂

      Thanks so much for sharing your story — who could ever predict a 7 year reunion?

      Really glad to hear it 🙂

      Reply
    • Cam - September 27, 2012 11:22 pm

      Definitely agree. Sometimes it’s as simple as time. Thanks for posting Veronika, I’m sending the good vibes your way!

      Reply
  5. Todd - September 27, 2012 4:58 pm

    Man good stuff, wish I read this 18 months ago! I couldn’t stop staring at this girl’s FB!! IDK why I let myself drown in sorrow for so long.

    Reply
    • alden - September 27, 2012 10:45 pm

      Hey Todd,

      LOL For me, I went to check out her Friendster. Frigging Friendster. EONS ago!

      It happens to the best of us. Breakup trauma is just too insane sometimes.

      Reply
    • Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - September 27, 2012 11:12 pm

      Yeah, I just kept checking MSN, over and over and over and over and over.

      Talk about attachment and not letting go.

      I was a funny young punk.

      Then I went through a phase of people doing the same thing to me when *I’m* online.

      I was mature and past that, but they weren’t 🙂

      lol 🙂

      Reply
    • Cam - September 27, 2012 11:25 pm

      Social Media definitely makes the breakup process harder. I tend to get them off all the outlets like FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Not because I don’t care but because it makes it so much harder to continuously see their updates. (Especially if you realize they’ve moved on…)

      Thanks for your comment Todd. 🙂

      Reply
      • alden - September 27, 2012 11:50 pm

        Lol am I the only one who does the following?

        Feel like blocking her on Facebook, so I can move on. But if I block her, she wouldn’t be able to see pictures of me with hot new chicks and having an awesome social life.

        ADMIT IT! We all thought of that!

        Reply
        • Cam - September 28, 2012 9:00 pm

          Haha.

          That stuff was cool in high school bro 😛

          Reply
        • Life - April 21, 2013 7:44 am

          Hi Alden,

          I googled trauma and break-ups and I noticed your post. Thanks for the laugh.

          It’s has been over a month and I am still fresh from the break-up with who I thought was the love of my life. I thought about deleting him off FB but ha, you are right… I want him to see that I can move on… and yes, it wouldn’t hurt to have more pics of me having the time of my life. I can’t help but look at his profile every day, every few hours but I can’t get myself to delete 🙁

          Reply
          • alden - April 22, 2013 4:04 am

            Hey,

            Haha well it’s up to you. Deleting him off first, then adding back is okay too. Focus on your own life!

  6. Jason "J-Ryze" Fonceca - October 14, 2012 1:10 am

    This is a pretty cool post + discussion I found, relevant to the topic, if anyone’s interested:

    http://www.kylecease.com/the-horrifying-illusion-in-most-relationships/

    Reply
  7. j - December 17, 2012 6:37 am

    Hey Alden, this is a good article but I find it offensive it you describe your walking in the park etc with “that’s so gay”. Could you please change it to something less hurtful and perpetuating of negative stereotypes? Regards an American student.

    Reply
    • alden - December 18, 2012 4:37 am

      Just poking fun at myself man 🙂

      Reply
      • E - July 17, 2014 5:16 pm

        Not cool at all. You’re using the term “gay” to make fun of yourself which is demeaning and extremely offensive to those who are actually gay. I know you are trying to add light humor and be self-deprecating, but making negative connotations to this word is very disrespectful. As for the topic of taking walks alone and being reflective in journal writing, I don’t see anything wrong with doing those things. You should not feel insecure about anything you enjoy doing, regardless of what typical society regards as being ‘normal’.

        I don’t know what audience you are writing to, but breakups happen the same for gay men and women.

        Otherwise, your article is excellent. I appreciate the insights and advice.

        – Words from a Straight Individual

        Reply
  8. BeautifulYeti - February 22, 2013 6:03 am

    Damn. Thank you. This is the MOST real break up advice I’ve ever read. She wasn’t even my girlfriend. We were just really close for a while; while she broke up with her boyfriend and decided she may be interested in women. I was the first woman she slept with.

    It’s been painful especially because she may go back to men and I can’t give her what she wants. Sometimes I don’t want to be a lesbian anymore.

    Reply
  9. Ems - March 1, 2013 3:36 am

    This page is brilliant!! Some of your posts made me laugh – thanks for that! I’m about 5/6 months post breakup, (first true love) I’ve just tried to let myself heal in that time and haven’t got with anyone else etc I’ve made plans go to travelling to New Zealand on a working holiday visa in about 6 months so that has helped. I’m also trying to focus on improving my health and fitness. All that being said, reading through the above article at the top I was alarmed at my answer to the question “what do I want now” i thought about it honestly and the answer was to be lying beside my ex cuddling each other. I’m surprised and disappointed at that as I thought I knew better by this stage. I do occasionally see him out and it really pulls on my heart strings. He’s selfish and phones me afterwards he’s just looking a one night stand etc as he has made it clear he doesn’t want to settle down. He hasn’t deleted my number completely even though I have asked him to do so over 20 times. I have been a bit concerned that I have absolutely no desire to talk to another guy… Any advice?

    Reply
    • alden - March 1, 2013 11:04 am

      Nah it’s only natural you answered that. You answered that only because of what you feel in the moment. Look far ahead, what is it you want out of your life, and not just how you feel now.

      The travel will definitely help. Get out there, experience different cultures, and bam, work is so big you don’t even know why you settled for some small guy back home.

      Who knows you may even hook up with someone there ;P.

      Reply
  10. Ems - March 1, 2013 12:23 pm

    Thank you, your words are very encouraging! 🙂

    Reply
    • alden - March 6, 2013 8:16 am

      Glad they helped

      Reply
  11. John - March 6, 2013 1:58 am

    This was very helpful and its nice to know that someone feels like i do right now

    Reply
    • alden - March 6, 2013 8:14 am

      How ya feeling now? Better?

      Reply
  12. Lucy Wigmore - March 13, 2013 1:50 pm

    I’m in my final year of university and going through my first break up (technically second we got back together before) but this time its for real and feel horrific. The issue I have is we have been in each others life for the majority of our university careers, that’s about 2 and a half years of togetherness and friendship. My ex is best friends with my two male housemates and my girl housemates still see him as a good friend. We are forced to constantly mix in social situations and whenever one is approaching I can’t think or move, I get so anxious. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to miss out on all the fantastic experiences of my last term at uni but it is so painful being near him. I don’t want to alienate myself from my friends or for them to get fed up of my moping. Your post made me smile and feel a little bit hopeful but this is my main issue that confuses me and makes me so sad. I wondered if you had anything to say to help?

    Reply
    • alden - March 14, 2013 6:00 am

      Hey Lucy,

      How long has it been since you two ended things?

      I say take a break for yourself first. What’s the point of heading out together knowing you can’t enjoy it fully.

      Remember, it’s just a small break, not permanent break up with your friends.

      Reply
      • Lucy - March 15, 2013 12:11 am

        It’s been a month, it’s just hard there’s lots of birthdays (mine included) our uni varsity and our graduation all coming up. I know it will be ok eventually but it’s hard and I am struggling. These are friendships I’ve had for 2 and a half years, the same amount of time we were together so it’s all very intertwined!

        Reply
        • alden - March 18, 2013 3:52 am

          I see.

          Consider not going altogether. Or at the very least, go to your corner and be alone.

          Reply
        • Manny - August 12, 2014 6:24 pm

          Hey lucy! I have a similar issue i also had a breakup during my last year at my university and was wondering how you were dealing with it? We have the same friends and i feel like its impossible

          Reply
  13. Charee - April 1, 2013 7:30 am

    Hey Alden, (Jason & Cam). Glad I chanced upon your post, certainly most helpful to me right now. In my case, my ex and I was forced to break up by his parents due a difference in the age. He’s in the army now (I guess it’s a curse for NS guys) & I’m 4 years older. They couldn’t make sense of our relationship and thought it was atrocious. This wasn’t a mismatch of characters nor changes in our feelings and we were both still attracted and still very much in love which makes it harder for us to move on. It’s terrible cus we want, but we can’t. I wanted to keep it going but I understand that this pressure on him leads us to no where. I tried to hang out with others but end up wanting to be alone. Would you be able to shine some light on how to be ‘selfless’ and let go for the good for him? Love is often selfish..

    Reply
  14. rkmarco - April 5, 2013 9:23 pm

    I’m right in the thick of it, right now. My boyfriend and i JUST broke up, this afternoon. He said some pretty nasty things to me, that hurt. I’m not going to go into the “blame game”, right now… I’m just hurting pretty bad. I live in the foothills of colorado, and I don’t have a vehicle, at the moment… blew a bearing in my truck and who has 1400 dollars to fix it. thankfully, I work from home. However, getting around when you have no vehicle and you live in the mountains is not easy. Especially when you’re fresh into a break up. Not many ways to distract myself. there is ONE shitkicking bar down the road, but that place sucks, and everybody knows everyone’s biz. I was sitting here feeling pretty shitty and feeling sorry for myself, till I read your post and the resulting comments from everybody. I’m not feeling tip top at the moment, but your words and everybody else’s made me smile, and gave me some perspective. Thanks for that. It honestly HAS helped me, today. I believe I’ll keep coming back and re reading, whenever it gets hard, again…. it’s good to know there are people out there who understand and can offer inspiring words. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that, during break ups, etc.

    Reply
    • alden - April 7, 2013 7:16 pm

      For sure. Take care for yourself. It only gets better. If your ex was a dickhead then just leave him.

      Reply
  15. Jake - April 19, 2013 12:13 pm

    My Name is Jake ..

    I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called eduduspiritualtemple@gmail.com Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..

    At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here: eduduspiritualtemple@gmail.com

    Reply
  16. Jacob - April 21, 2013 9:12 am

    I’m so glad I came to this page cause its true about
    all the crappy ” magic-bullet, get better quick” advice out there
    that never seems to be true enough.

    This article really hits it home describing what its like to
    experience heart break and gives practical hard-won
    honest advice to get over it.

    Props to the awesomeness of it and
    thank you very much for puttng the time
    writing it. Reading this helped has
    me alot more than can be said.

    Reply
    • alden - April 22, 2013 4:03 am

      No such thing as magic bullets in life. If it was so easy, all of us would be happy.

      Glad to hear it helped. Keep at it. It gets better.

      Reply
  17. Chels - April 28, 2013 11:12 pm

    This has helped me so much. I never thought I would be able to get over him or that feeling of now being alone. I really thought we would be together for the rest of our lives but he had a different agenda. I know I can never go back now because in the end, I won’t ever be happy I just need to learn to accept that and move on

    Reply
    • alden - May 3, 2013 8:29 am

      No prob glad it did.

      Well I guess it’s hard. Don’t let the shitty experience in the world get to ya. Learn from it. Grow. You’ll attract someone more awesomer.

      Reply
  18. Casey - May 3, 2013 4:55 am

    Hi Alden, thank you for this page. I m in about 3 months post breakup but i m still here, cling with the memories of him. I still can’t accept that he cheated on me with his bestfriend’s girlfriend and now they are together. I thought after forgiving him i could move on. He asked me to stay and be his friend and i gave myself a try but it turned out worst. Now, i am really trying so hard to leave everything behind bu concentrating in my work. But i dont know if this is going to work.

    Reply
    • alden - May 3, 2013 8:26 am

      Just leave him he sounds retarded. Good luck to him and his best friend. He’s toxic. Drop him.

      Reply
  19. fabioander - May 23, 2013 12:14 am

    well its been 1 mounth and im fine.. the only thing missing is sex soo that means…..lets ROLL again baby

    Reply
    • alden - May 27, 2013 6:11 am

      roll roll roll!

      Reply
  20. berina - June 2, 2013 9:16 pm

    I was heartbroken that my husband moved in with another woman so I had a spell to bring him back home and stop the affair he had with her. In just 1 week he left her and went to live at the motel. He called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if he was changing to become the man I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now he’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I cant find the right words to say how I feel right now. All I can decently say is that you changed my life Dr Asika Kuma and saved the most important thing in my life. my family thanks to you sir for bring back my husband home, if you passing true the same problems in your home contact Dr Asika Kuma for help on his Email: ultimatespelltemple1@gmail.com

    Reply
    • alden - June 3, 2013 5:29 am

      err…ok… cool?

      Reply
  21. thing apart - June 16, 2013 11:53 am

    12 year relationship over and I’m pretty devastated. We separated a year ago, promised fideality, were suppose to be working on ourselves and relationship, but he led a double life, found a girl who he lied to too. For a year. Just found out a month ago. I’ve never hurt this bad in my life, and no, not my first breakup. How do you make sense of that. It just all rolls through the head and will not stop.

    Reply
    • alden - June 17, 2013 11:07 am

      Screw him he’s not worth it.

      It doesn’t make sense. You aren’t supposed to make sense out of it. You can learn as much as you want then move on. Just try.

      Reply
  22. Jack - July 19, 2013 3:33 am

    This is a really good article, thanks for the advice. A few weeks ago i found out out that my live in girlfriend of 6 years had been seeing another guy behind my back. In my initial anger, I kicked her out immediately, but then felt more pain pain and loneliness than i knew it was possible for a person to feel. The advice about getting off your ass and meeting people, even if ypu’re ‘not ready’ was spot on. You get over things by creating new memories. Thanks for the tips.

    Reply
    • alden - August 4, 2013 8:46 pm

      You go bro.

      Reply
  23. Joe - August 10, 2013 6:29 pm

    Love the article. Just into a breakup following a weird argument (not nasty, just random and she got really worked up about it) that ended in a sudden breakup, before which we’d been really good. After it I tried asking to give it time and work it out to be told she no longer had any feelings for me since the argument, which was pretty hard to take seeing as I wanted her back. But reading this has been really good for me.

    Reply
    • alden - August 12, 2013 10:56 pm

      Such is life man. Let it go. The next one will be better.

      Reply
  24. carolina - August 14, 2013 4:01 am

    After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2347053977842) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything

    Reply
  25. Joe - August 15, 2013 7:37 am

    Thank Alden 🙂 Just gotta stop trying to think about how to get her back…and wish she’d stop leaving drunken missed calls in the night and then telling me to go jump when I ask if she’d like to talk the next day!

    Reply
    • alden - August 15, 2013 11:35 am

      Lol sounds like a destructive bitch. But well it happens. Just ignore her. Infact, block her calls.

      Reply
  26. Matt - August 26, 2013 1:35 pm

    Thanks for the article.

    I just came out of a year-long relationship a month ago and yet I still feel pain and its been getting worse.

    During my final school exams she made us take a break for unexplained reasons. I stayed upbeat (which was hard) and did all I could to bring us back. We ended up getting back together after the finals.
    She broke up with me again shortly after that and I managed to fight for her and bring us back together again.

    I just can’t understand how she could leave me after everything I did for her.
    Sounds pathetic I know, but I keep hoping that I could somehow get her back.

    I really love her and I have been doing my best to move on, but it just isn’t working.

    Reply
    • alden - September 23, 2013 5:25 am

      I been through that exact same shit. Girl wanted to dump me, I tried my best to get her back and all, but she was just treating me like shit.

      I don’t even know why I tried now, she was such a fucking bitch.

      Reply
  27. Patricia - September 6, 2013 3:19 pm

    Alden and all the other guys, thanks for this. I was googling “how to stop thinking and dreaming about your ex.” It’s driving me crazy that I’m doing my best to forget and move on, but the dreams… I always feel better throughout the day, and then in the morning it’s all there again. Much like you described. In my case, the guy didn’t even consider me enough to say goodbye, or properly break-up, he just deleted me, from all social networks and never returned my texts or calls. All after our first and last argument. I was left without closure and a lot of confusion. I made the mistake of thinking I was important enough to him that he would at least try to talk. No, an argument over text, and it was over. After 3 months of dating. I keep thinking this isn’t enough time to develop feelings for anyone and I should get over easily, but that’s the thing with me, I develop these stupid feelings and then I can’t get rid of them. Of course, when a person treats you that way, you can’t help thinking they’re the scum of the earth, really hard to forgive and move on.
    I have no friends where I live and I can’t even get distracted doing things with people. I’m also afraid to go out on dates with guys, what if I get hurt like this again? I know I’ll feel better eventually, and I just wanted to than you guys for you guys for helping me stop crying this morning.

    Reply
    • alden - September 23, 2013 5:19 am

      It happens Pat.

      Just move on ok? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t. Love isn’t about busting your balls just to be happy. It’s supposed to happen on its own.

      Reply
  28. Ocr - October 7, 2013 7:10 am

    Shit.. I’m reading this and I’m so sure that I want to break up with my girlfriend and this feels so shitty. Sometimes I even wish she just breaks up with me. It’s like… When I’m with her, I think she’s cute, sweet and a good person but then comes boredom and somethings in her personality that I don’t see me handling for long term. I’m on this relationship for almost 2 years and feel so bad to even think about breaking her heart and many times I think it’s maybe worth it but then I just realize it’s just me trying to convince myself that it is not the end. And I keep waiting for some perfect moment, and shit.. I know it won’t come.. and sometime I’ll have to make a man of myself in this situation and do whatever it is I have to do. Sometimes I think about all the dreams and things we shared together and planned and try to make me be happy in this relationship because she’s a good woman but guess it’s just driving me crazy… =/

    Anyway… Thank you for the text 🙂

    Reply
    • alden - October 8, 2013 6:16 am

      If you already wish that she’d break up with you, then it’s time to break up.

      You’re the dude, man up and just break up with her. It’ll be better for both of you.

      Reply
  29. Rin - October 13, 2013 1:54 pm

    Great article,far more realistic then the others out there. After a terrible break up that lasted months from a 3 year relationship that I now realize wasn’t healthy or normal, I struggled with depression and many self esteem issues and insecurities. I replaced him with another guy who seemed amazing at the time but also turned out to be an asshole once we split and did the on friend with benefits thing on and off which also ended up hurting more in the long run. Then I found the amazing boyfriend who was stable, normal and had a great relationship. He’s much younger than me and after a year and a half he has dumped while saying how much he loves me and everything but he needs tine to himself to figure his life out. He feels so content with me that he’s worried he’ll never do anything else and he’ll just settle. He says there’s still a chance of working things out but for now he needs to be alone.
    I want him back but don’t want to waste time lingering in emotional limbo while he ‘figures his life out’

    Its only been a week and we’ve stayed in contact, struggling to let go when there’s still a ‘chance’

    What do you think?

    Reply
    • alden - October 13, 2013 9:01 pm

      You sound kind of young man. I really hope the two subsequent guys were spanned over a period of time and not like a few weeks or something.

      Well honestly, as much as you really like him, you can wait, but also open up to meeting others in life.

      You’re losing out if you just wait. And I think guys who can’t make up their minds are… girls. Think about it.

      Reply
  30. sasha - October 16, 2013 5:41 am

    First, this article is RAD. Second, I am in the throws of a breakup. I am a professional woman, take care of my shit, a college degree, have my own apt. and am pretty fucking cute.

    I stayed with a cheating liar who treated me like shit for SEVEN MONTHS. I can’t believe how I let myself get treated so poorly. I would beg for him not to leave, I would cry and ask that he treat me better. But here is the thing, I am not a weak girl. I’ve gotten 86’d from bars for being to mouthy. Its just so weird that I let myself get punked!

    Still, it hurts. But I have to remember ALL of the bad and ALL of the asshole-ness because you know what, he will always be a insufficient and not-enough-of-a-man for me. Always.

    Good riddance. I just hope the heartache goes away. quick. Tired of the sad mornings and lonely-Netflix-in-bed nights. I jus want him OUT OF MY HEAD. Forever. I am confident I will find chem chem (chemistry) again, right??? He is not the only dude alive.

    Reply
  31. Ivo - October 16, 2013 10:41 am

    Don’t feel like sharing my story, just wanted to say “Good stuff, Alden, really helpful in this hard moment, thanks” 🙂

    Reply
  32. KMV - October 17, 2013 6:26 pm

    I’m a girl and I loved this post! Was dumped almost five months ago (I’m trying not to keep count >.<) and still feel shitty, but your post helps in the little ways that add up to something real good 🙂

    Reply
    • Mary - October 24, 2013 3:48 pm

      ^ I had a really bad break up with a guy that owned the hockey club I was part of, he ended it pretty suddenly and I was pretty hurt. I got a little angry because he kept telling me he loved me yet he never really saw me and I was a secret to everyone at hockey, because he didn’t want to tell everyone. So in the end he treated me kinda crap and so when he suddenly ended it I got a little annoyed and just said he didn’t treat me very well and that he’s not really showing he cares. He then told me to take a break from hockey and I said no because I’m not going to let it affect me, he kept pushing me to take a break and then when I said no again, he went ballistic saying he never felt so livid in his life, because it’s his club, he owns it etc. He then kicked me out. He said he would get back to me and let me know about coming back to hockey, but I didn’t hear from him, he simply took me off the email list. I wanted to apologise but didn’t know how. And yes I did the most stupid thing, I dropped a sorry card at his house. He lives in secure apartments, but I gave it to a guy walking in to drop it in his door, so it looks really bad. I put some hockey vouchers in the card for the club so I didn’t want to send it and didn’t know his address written down. It was a very stupid mistake. But I simply dropped it off and walked away. He contacted me to say it was a nice gesture and thanks for the kind note. I then asked if I could pop in to the social hockey event that he was having, because I originally organised the event, but after everything I was invited. He went ballistic again and said leave him and his club alone and I’m not welcome. He doesn’t want his social life ruined with me there. He copied his mate into the email and and wrote that he would have to start changing the venues for the hockey, so I didn’t show up. He said it made him feel uncomfortable that I came to his house and it freaked him and his housemates out. All I did was simply ask, not say I was coming. He wrote at the bottom of the email, FYI pete (his mate copied into the email)- I think we have a situation. He is making me out like I’m the biggest stalker. I know I did the wrong thing going there to drop the card, but I just feel he is being so dramatic and kicking me out the club is unfair. I’m not that type of girl and I can’t get over it, because he’s made me feel really low and I never want to be known as a crazy ex stalker. And the fact he wants me out of his life for good, is just horrible 🙁

      Reply
  33. leny - October 23, 2013 10:53 am

    thank you so much its funny that all the things i read from your messages is what i felt …….. will future is still there…

    Reply
  34. Ashlee - October 24, 2013 3:34 pm

    Hi

    I have been through a terrible break up

    Reply
    • Mary - October 24, 2013 3:45 pm

      ^ I had a really bad break up with a guy that owned the hockey club I was part of, he ended it pretty suddenly and I was pretty hurt. I got a little angry because he kept telling me he loved me yet he never really saw me and I was a secret to everyone at hockey, because he didn’t want to tell everyone. So in the end he treated me kinda crap and so when he suddenly ended it I got a little annoyed and just said he didn’t treat me very well and that he’s not really showing he cares. He then told me to take a break from hockey and I said no because I’m not going to let it affect me, he kept pushing me to take a break and then when I said no again, he went ballistic saying he never felt so livid in his life, because it’s his club, he owns it etc. He then kicked me out. He said he would get back to me and let me know about coming back to hockey, but I didn’t hear from him, he simply took me off the email list.

      I wanted to apologise but didn’t know how. And yes I did the most stupid thing, I dropped a sorry card at his house. He lives in secure apartments, but I gave it to a guy walking in to drop it in his door, so it looks really bad. I put some hockey vouchers in the card for the club so I didn’t want to send it and didn’t know his address written down. It was a very stupid mistake. But I simply dropped it off and walked away. He contacted me to say it was a nice gesture and thanks for the kind note. I then asked if I could pop in to the social hockey event that he was having, because I originally organised the event, but after everything I was invited. He went ballistic again and said leave him and his club alone and I’m not welcome. He doesn’t want his social life ruined with me there. He copied his mate into the email and and wrote that he would have to start changing the venues for the hockey, so I didn’t show up. He said it made him feel uncomfortable that I came to his house and it freaked him and his housemates out. All I did was simply ask, not say I was coming. He wrote at the bottom of the email, FYI pete (his mate copied into the email)- I think we have a situation.

      He is making me out like I’m the biggest stalker. I know I did the wrong thing going there to drop the card, but I just feel he is being so dramatic and kicking me out the club is unfair. I’m not that type of girl and I can’t get over it, because he’s made me feel really low and I never want to be known as a crazy ex stalker. And the fact he wants me out of his life for good, is just horrible 🙁

      Reply
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  40. Anna - December 22, 2013 6:09 am

    This article is great! Myself and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up a week ago. It was very much a mutual decision, we both just felt that things had gone a little stale and we both just wanted to be on our own for awhile. It was incredibly sad and we were both devastated but we knew it was the right decision. Since then we’ve spoken everyday and he came over to my house during the week because our actual break up happened whilst we were drunk (we’re idiots i know) so we wanted to speak about it soberly. There was a lot of tears but we both agreed it was the right decision and although we still loved eachother it was time to for us to be on our own for awhile. But we agreed to stay in contact cause we’re eachothers best friends, he’s the only person in the world i can tell anything to and vice versa. Although I was very sad, I kind of felt relief and slight freedom.. but tonight I’m just a total mess! He’s on a night out with his friends and I can’t sleep thinking of the idea of him hooking up with any girls. It’s inevitably gonna happen whether it be now or another night out down the line, but still it kills me!! Should I cut contact with him? Is it just making it too hard? I really really wanna be friends with him cause he’s such a wonderful person and i couldnt imagine not having him in my life but i dont think i can handle the idea of finding out about him getting with another girl or anything, it would devastate me

    Reply
  41. Jae - January 8, 2014 3:57 pm

    My ex just broke up with me after a year of dating. I got too drunk on NYE and attacked him in front of his friends and his family got involved as well. When he broke up with me a week ago, we saw each other the next day and he couldn’t stop smiling or resist the urge to kiss me. After kissing me, he became extremely angry at himself for showing weakness and ran to his car and drove away. We’ll see each other on campus in 4 days and our dorms are 50 ft away from each other. Strangely, it feels like I lost feelings for him…in a matter of a week. I went through all of the stages of grief and I feel liberated. A part of me wants him back, only because I truly loved him and I loved his company. But I’m not sure if he forgives me. A part of me feels angry at him for breaking up with me over one thing. But idk, as of lately I’ve been feeling relieved. But idk I may just be confused. Help?

    Reply
    • alden - January 9, 2014 7:19 am

      Yes you’re confused. Both of you aren’t in the right state of mind to make any heavy decisions.

      Give some space for him. Give yourself some space. Then see how it goes.

      Sounds like you got to think things through man .ATtacking him like that is crazy. But don’t beat yourself up. Learn from it and grow.

      Reply
  42. Nedla - January 13, 2014 1:45 pm

    My girlfriend of two years broke up with me just over a week ago. We lived together for over year. We had a perfect relationship, or so I thought, save some “minor” communication problems.
    When moving out of our home I couldn’t help but look at her Facebook messages; I found she had been talking to this guy I knew quite well since before we broke up. She contacted him minutes after I walked out the door when we broke up. After two years, she could barely wait five minutes to tell this guy she was single and excited. They’re now dating. He’s spent every night at what used to be our home, sleeping in what used to be my bed.
    It’s barely been a week since the breakup. I’m falling apart. I want her back so bad, but I’ve vowed never to speak to her again. I’ll never forgive her. This is still the hardest thing I think I’ve ever gone through.
    How can I get these sick thoughts out of my head? You know exactly the ones I speak of.

    Reply
    • alden - January 13, 2014 6:17 pm

      Gotta move on man. I don’t know what happened for real in your relationship with her, so I don’t want to judge.

      She could be a bitch to actually be “cheating” on you by msging this dude, or not.

      I suggest you go talk to her first and clear the air on what exactly happened. Get some closure first man. If you don’t, you’re just gonna mindfuck yourself by thinking too much.

      Reply
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  44. brokenup - February 19, 2014 2:11 pm

    Hey,

    Thanks for your post, it makes a lot of sense and seems totally logical. The hard part is being able to focus yourself to do those things.

    I dated my ex for 4 years. It was my first “real relationship”. I was shy with women for a long time and didn’t have those relationships in high school that so many have. I’m now 27.

    I was going through a rough patch in my life- removed all my friends who weren’t going anywhere with their lives (I had known them for 15 years), couldn’t find a job, and was/still am in the process of attaining a degree (graduate in April). She had just recently got her life “settled”, good career job, her own place, etc.

    After a few months of roughness I asked for a break because I needed to get my mind right so I could give 100% to the relationship. The lack of friends, job, and other things were really depressing me and it was taking a toll on the relationship. I wanted a break so I could get my shit together. She took it that I wanted to break up, even though I tried to explain. Worst part of it was that I did it over a text message (I KNOW, FUCKING DUMB!). I just didn’t know how to deal with telling her I was depressed and the fact that I was scared of losing her by going on a break. She was really hurt by everything and a few weeks later when I dropped by she said she didn’t see it working out in the long run. She was shocked that I didn’t feel the same thing. She cried lots, she told me, and I heard her as I left that evening.

    We stayed friends on Facebook and kept in touch. One day she saw a post about me having my last soccer game. She asked if she could come watch because she loved watching me play and never got to see me play varsity. I agreed. She ended up taking pictures with her new camera and sending them. We continued to talk online. There was flirting, which she largely initiated again. It led to us hanging out about 3 and half months after the initial break. I was feeling good about myself and I was ready to commit 100% effort for her and I. I did everything I could for her. Wined and dined her, handyman, sweet talked her, left a surprise gift, etc. I wanted to make it up to her because I thought she really loved me. However, the whole time we began to hang out her attitude had changed. It was even different while chatting online after we agreed to hang out again. It was like she had this underlying hate for me. She can be defensive and as I read her, she had put up her walls so she wouldn’t get hurt again. I’m guessing it was for the way I made her feel when I told her I wanted a break and how I did it. I never felt like she gave it a second chance because she was so caught up in being mad at me.

    It kills me because I feel like we could have been great for each other and the circumstances really fucked everything up (mostly mine). She has had her share of long-term relationships and is definitely a strong woman. I’m sure she is coping much better with everything (especially because she is at a better point in her life financially, etc.).

    I keep stalking her on facebook, looking at her profile, anticipating her being taken up by someone else. She is gorgeous and I know men. She will be getting all the attention in the world.

    I remembered her making a comment about a friend going on POF. I thought, “I wonder if she would ever do that?” Sure enough, I did a quick search for our area and there she is (I’m not a member, just creeped). Two months after breaking up with me and she is “looking for a great guy to get into a long-term relationship with”. I’m not really mad about that, I get it, but it hurts. I don’t really understand why it couldn’t be me either. It’s obvious she doesn’t want to be with me but I can’t come to grips with why. After 4 years that we had a solid foundation in, we break up and then you’re looking for a long-term again? Especially when I feel like things are about to get very positive in my life. It doesn’t make sense to me.

    In reality I know this is probably good for me. I’m about to graduate and take on the world. I have a lot of life to experience still. I just wish she could have been there with me.

    Any further advice on how to get past this? It’s been 6 months since the “break” and 2 months since the actual “break-up”. It’s really hard for me to believe it’s done forever. Especially when her final words included “I’ll leave it in fates hands” as far as getting back together down the road. I know I’m grasping at straws but it hurts, bad.

    Reply
  45. Franker - March 4, 2014 11:35 pm

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  46. Jake - March 9, 2014 10:47 am

    First of all this is an extremely great article. I Have to say I’ve read everything from wikihow to yahoo answers and nothing made me smile and feel better then this article. What I love about it is that it is written with a great deal of emotional intelligence I have been broken up with my ex for a total of 4 months now and things where going great I had dates every night was having a blast and even wondering why we hadn’t split sooner. but then I had a major back slide and I couldn’t have stumbled upon this at a better time. Im stubborn and have an ego that likes to win so all in all i really needed to get over the fact that there was nothing that I was gonna be able to do in order to make it work that wasn’t going to compromise what I truly wanted from a relationship and that’s the kicker if the person isn’t even willing to say sorry or acknowledge their wrong doings then its just not meant to be. I would really have to say stay busy but stay true to you do what you want not what you would if you where still in the relationship.

    Reply
  47. Ammara - March 23, 2014 1:24 am

    He left me yesterday morning. I know this is not my first breakup. But every breakup hurts. Dude, the morning always the hardest. When i wake up, i feel so down. All the memories came and haunt me back again. Like what he said, what he promised, what we plan for our future. And i dont understand why he gave up on me, on us….

    Reply
  48. Andrew - March 25, 2014 1:23 pm

    I am nearly 3 months post break up and it is still very difficult. I moved away to pursue something I had always wanted to do. My ex said then I wasn’t giving her what she needed and she ended it.
    I still think of what I left behind and question if I made the right decision, things are so difficult here now, I do not know many people and the “home” I intended to go back to is gone forever, work and money are sparse. I feel so low sometimes and anxious like I do not know what is going on or what to do. I’m 37 and think I might have blown my last chance. I know these thoughts are just thoughts but how do I stop thinking them?
    After 7 weeks I heard she has a new boyfriend, how did this happen? God I hope I did the right thing.

    Reply
    • alden - March 30, 2014 5:39 am

      You got to get out of your comfort zone man. Time to do something different. If you want different results, then do something different.
      Don’t worry. Breakups hurt, but you’ll be fine.

      Reply
    • Stacey Martins - July 11, 2016 11:18 pm

      Hello my dear i was having same problem with my boyfriend and i love him so much i put a stop my self with a real spell caster called Dr Ajaguna you can as well contact him and he will get your problem solve immediately my dear thank you ajaguna7demons(at)gmail.com

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  49. Jae - March 30, 2014 6:54 pm

    Hey there. My ex broke up with me end of January. He broke up with me 4 times before and like a stupid person I went back every time. Every time we had any issue I wanted to discuss he would break up with me. We weren’t even fighting. He broke up with me 4 days after teling me he wants to be with me and he changed and I just need to wait and see. Then he broke up with me saying he needs to focus on himself and he can’t give me 50% of the time and if he had to leave for a longer time he wouldn’t even consider me in the decision which made him think he doesn’t want a relationship. Since then I tried to please for 2 weeks which made him think I was crazy and he turned all friends against me. I haven’t been in touch with him since. He blocked me on Facebook. He slept around after the break up and is happy and I’m an emotional mess as I can’t still understand how I loved this person so much and meant so little to him that he just cut me out like I never existed. I don’t know how to deal with it.

    Reply
  50. ssr - March 31, 2014 2:32 pm

    I think this is the best article I’ve read so far that I feel I can relate to. Thanks guys

    Reply
    • alden - April 3, 2014 1:12 pm

      Why thank you. Help me share it!

      Reply
  51. Varun - May 10, 2014 9:16 am

    lol.. i just found tht i always have smone with me.. n tht is me.. who always stays with me to encourage me.. to guide me.. to love me back.. n who ll tell me how tp behave with othr.. n jus cz of him.. i have so much of best friends… girl who left me alone… see.. u lost smthing who was jist urs.. u ll neva find someone like me… lol.. 😛 m badass

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  52. lynne - July 8, 2014 12:05 am

    Hi great post ! The first break up i had gave me a hard time coping up with life, but I’ve realized that there is so much more life has to offer so why waste it. Thanks for sharing, really great.

    Reply
  53. mesal - July 17, 2014 2:49 am

    I thought I would never get back my love, for the way he left me and went away, said there is nothing left between us anymore, but thanks to the love spells casted by you, now things are changing, your spells are working Lord. Azeez, last week my lover called me twice and this week twice a day, it seems as if my lover is repenting on what he did, he wants to come back in my life, I will keep you posted for the update but thanks a lot Lord. Azeez, because for an orphan like, getting back something which is gone means a lot, thanks The spell caster email is lordazeez1990@hotmail. com he can help you

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  57. Jessica - September 5, 2014 3:28 pm

    My boyfriend of nearly four years broke up with me almost a month ago. It has been HORRIBLE. I did not see it coming, when he ended it he expressed all these feelings about me not being supportive enough and criticizing him too much, which he hadn’t discussed with me before! I felt and still feel a lot of guilt because I can see the mistakes I made and where things went down hill NOW, and I wanted to work on things because we really did have a good relationship (or so I thought). And he said he still loves me but “his heart isn’t in it anymore”, it is so upsetting. I don’t understand how we can go from lovers and best friends to him wanting nothing to do with me and wanting to move on. Its hard thinking back and seeing all the cards and love letters and knowing that he doesn’t feel that way anymore. Part of me has this vision that he will come back, but its clear he is totally over it. But this article makes some good points and I am really going to try to follow some of the advice.

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  63. Michael - October 18, 2014 4:45 am

    Hello there was a girl. i’m 20 and I’ve never experienced so much love and all of that was in 6 days. she cried a lot and I did too when things didn’t work out. the love was incredible. I have severe social anxiety and this is what ruined our life. i told her i need time to change, it would be better if we don’t talk now or communicate because i feel really bad. What happened was, in the evening when we were texting. everything was fine, it was awesome conversation. i even took a picture of me writing my name + hers on a list and uploaded to fb tagged her. she loved it. she posted happy pictures of couples together. but the next day when i woke up i felt regret of what i sent her yesterday, i felt scared, anxiety, and constant nervousness, it happened before too in those 6 days. she loved me so much and i still love her but social anxiety totally ruined it. she got a trauma after that and said she was shred to pieces after what i said.

    you think it’s possible to get back together if i truly change or she won’t forgive. we didn’t even delete each other from facebook. what time will do?

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  66. Anne - April 26, 2015 10:49 pm

    I have a lot of break ups of different kinds under my belt and even though they always hurt, I now know it’s for the best. When I look back and see all the things I’ve done and people I have met that I might not have done or met had I remained in past relationships, I’m grateful. And besides, if we split, it’s because we weren’t supposed to stay together any longer.

    Reply
  67. lola - June 15, 2015 10:20 am

    my husband of 9years left me just because i could not give him A child, i did all i could to make sure i give him a child, i even went to an extent of forcing him to have sex with me every night but could not work. not untill one evening when i was browsing through the internet, i saw a comment on how a woman in same problem like mine was made home by A man called Dr onofe. i read about him and decided to contact him for help, i did as he ask me to do but i was still wondering how can someone just bring back my love he don’t even know but i keep doing as he ask me to do. i was very surprise one morning my husband came and started begging me to come back to his life. at first i pretend to be angry then i accepted him back. Dr onofe also cast a spell for me to make me have children and as i speak right now i am a mother with 3kids. if there is any one out there who needs his help you can contact him through his personal EMAIL: onofetemple@yahoo. or website: http://onofetemple.wix.com/http com i wish you good luck
    g

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  68. lola - June 15, 2015 10:22 am

    my husband of 9years left me just because i could not give him A child, i did all i could to make sure i give him a child, i even went to an extent of forcing him to have sex with me every night but could not work. not untill one evening when i was browsing through the internet, i saw a comment on how a woman in same problem like mine was made home by A man called Dr onofe. i read about him and decided to contact him for help, i did as he ask me to do but i was still wondering how can someone just bring back my love he don’t even know but i keep doing as he ask me to do. i was very surprise one morning my husband came and started begging me to come back to his life. at first i pretend to be angry then i accepted him back. Dr onofe also cast a spell for me to make me have children and as i speak right now i am a mother with 3kids. if there is any one out there who needs his help you can contact him through his personal EMAIL: onofetemple@yahoo. or website: http://onofetemple.wix.com/http com i wish you good luck
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  69. lola - June 15, 2015 10:57 am

    my husband of 9years left me just because i could not give him A child, i did all i could to make sure i give him a child, i even went to an extent of forcing him to have sex with me every night but could not work. not untill one evening when i was browsing through the internet, i saw a comment on how a woman in same problem like mine was made home by A man called Dr onofe. i read about him and decided to contact him for help, i did as he ask me to do but i was still wondering how can someone just bring back my love he don’t even know but i keep doing as he ask me to do. i was very surprise one morning my husband came and started begging me to come back to his life. at first i pretend to be angry then i accepted him back. Dr onofe also cast a spell for me to make me have children and as i speak right now i am a mother with 3kids. if there is any one out there who needs his help you can contact him through his personal EMAIL: onofetemple@yahoo. or website: http://onofetemple.wix.com/http com i wish you good luck
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  71. Erin - August 24, 2015 4:51 pm

    Hi there, I just got out of a relationship that almost made it to 5 years. It’s been tough because we ended it mutually. We started dating our senior year of high school and always thought we would end up as high school sweethearts. Just like you said about your past relationship, my ex boyfriend and I talked about marriage and the future and possible baby names… I’ve seen a lot of articles online about breakups and yes most of them just say it takes time, and it does, but your post/article had some new points.

    Thank you so much for your wisdom. I totally agreed with the part you said about hating when people try to give you advice (like your friends). I think the reason why I liked your post/article is because it seemed very honest and because I didn’t know you and listen to you just because you were my friend.

    I really appreciate what you said about meeting new people, not to date someone new, but to make more friends. It’s not replacing that person you used to date, but i truly agree that “You create new memories to replace the old, or at least let it fade.”

    Thanks so much.

    Reply
  72. Brett - September 13, 2015 2:28 pm

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  78. Angelica 45 - August 5, 2016 11:22 pm

    My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three

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  79. Kell - August 7, 2016 6:11 pm

    I’m 46, and I’ve mastered the break-up.

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  81. shelly - August 9, 2016 7:10 am

    Me & my boyfriend was planning to get married last month, just last week we had some argument that made him get angry on me just because of the argument, he said we will not be married again and the next day he left me and we broke up. I still loved him and I wanted him to marry me, for me to get him back i had no choice than to contacted robinson.buckler@ yahoo. com to help me and he helped me to bring my lover back to me so we can continue our plan to be married. he came back after 3 days
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  82. Kristen Cohen - September 10, 2016 8:08 am

    I celebrated my fourth year Marriage anniversary yesterday, i can remember it was Priest Ajigar that help me. We broke up when we were dating few years back and i tried all ways to get him back to me but nothing work and after trying all means i had to sick for the help of Priest Ajigar because i heard and saw so many testimonies about him on a blog site, i had to consult him for help too and he brought him back to me in just 4 days after the counsel, prayers and spell was done in his temple he was back to me and we got married after 3 months. Yesterday we celebrated our 4th year marriage anniversary , we have been living together as husband and wife after Priest Ajigar brought him back to me, we are still living together peaceful till date and we have a boy. Here is his email(priestajigarspells @ live . com) if you want to contacted him concerning your relationship problem or if you want your relationship to be lovely like mine. I’m so very happy and i just want you all to know that he is very powerful and can change your situation.

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  83. Amanda - September 10, 2016 10:51 am

    thank you angelica, I contacted lord. Azeez like you advice and my husband of 4 years is back in just 4days. I have never used voodoo before, But now i believe in it and it really worked.

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  84. Janice - October 7, 2016 5:31 am

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  85. Jay - October 7, 2016 6:31 pm

    Hi. I’m Jay from Stratford, Ontario Canada. I found these articles VERY helpful. It’s no fun to suffer and this was brilliant advice. The last 22 days have been very hard and I wake up feeling sick everyday. I really loved my partner but she betrayed me in so many ways while telling me she loved me, it really made me a mess. Confused too. She was arrested for assaulting me and breaking my arm. I do not want her back and initiated the breakup. I do go for walks and explore and try to stay busy. I’m just having a hard time and i know I’m not the only one. I’m a good guy and take good care of my partner when I have one. When I am ready, I’ll give it another shot.

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  86. Brice - October 13, 2016 7:09 am

    5 days after break up. I am having trouble falling asleep. Anxiety is making me feel ill. Wake up feeling upset, lost and alone. Just want these feelings gone. I feel so hopeless. I can’t think of anything else but her, but I know it’s over for good.
    When will my life get back to normal? When will this pain go away?

    Reply
    • Jay hunt - October 13, 2016 10:29 am

      All I can tell you is it will pass. I’m in my 24th day. Push yourself to do things like exercise, eating properly, treating yourself. This is the time to focus on you. Its not easy. It’s a lot of sadness and depression. It takes as long as it takes but you will feel better only if you look after yourself.

      Reply
  87. phyna praise - October 20, 2016 8:53 am

    Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far. I really dont know how to thank priest tokubo for helping me get my ex back after 2years of break up. i came accross his contact through a headline news on tv about how priest tokubo help a woman to get her ex back,i contacted him and he told me that my ex will come within a two days of casting the spell,i never believe this until i saw my ex in my house kneeling and begging for my forgiveness and accept her back again.Never doubt or worry your self in such problems,all you need to do is to contact him because he has the solution to your problems. you can also whatsapp him on +2349037990322 if you are on whatsapp.

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  88. Ashley - October 25, 2016 6:06 am

    Thanks to Dr Thomas who fixed my marriage after divorce. First of all i want to thank jennifer for the post she made on how Dr Thomas helped her in bringing back her lover . At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted Dr Thomas and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 5mouths and i have been crying and depressed without him, So i asked him if he has helped anyone called jennifer and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before NEW YEAR, I said good and i asked him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover, He laughed and said once i have contacted him that I should consider my problem solved. He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover jack. I was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life, So i told him to come over which he did, As he was coming he came with a brand new car as gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady, Am so happy today and am also thanking jennifer for posting this early. Dr Thomas you are truly a man of your word. He can also solve any kind of problems in this world problems like WINNING LOTTERIES, GETTING GOOD JOB. CHILD BEARING. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION. JOB PROMOTION. CANCEL DEBT/LOAN from any finance company and he can also cure and kind of diseases with his herbal medicine. Friends you can contact Dr Thomas on his private Email: (drthomasherbalhome21@gmail .com) This man is a GOD sent.

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  89. Mihir - November 9, 2016 4:28 am

    I loved her and I loved her so much but she found someone else. She said it’s because I am too “practical” for her. This is the fourth time I caught her cheating. I tried to change myself but she already lost interest in me when the first time she cheated.

    Now I only come home to sleep because it reminds me of her. Eveytime I sleep I dream either we are getting back together or I am killing the guy she cheated with. We planned for the future and now there is nothing but just a void in my life. I tried new things like learning a language and started playing violin but everything I do reminds me of her.

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  90. Star - November 15, 2016 3:19 pm

    Amazingly written article! So REAL.. I really really need more help though. Please let me know if there’s any way I can get some personalised advice.

    Reply

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