My first girlfriend was a crazy, churchy bitch who made me go to church with her. She frowned upon me drinking and partying. She also didn’t allow sex, cause you know, her body was the temple of god and stuff. I respected her values, but she was a bitch because all of that was a front. She gave me the hot-cold treatment. Sometimes she was nice and texting me that she missed me, sometimes she was a cold, icy bitch who didn’t give a fuck about anything. I found out later on from her best friend that she missed her ex and she was trying to work it out with him.
Tell me, how should I’ve felt when we fought and she literally jumped (out of my house, happily) when we broke up for the first time? (She came back, cause that ex and her didn’t work out).
My second girlfriend was a fucking poseur. She’d talk about art, photography, making money at a young age and being driven for various, fucking nonsense. She’d use that to shit on me, telling me I lacked drive and stuff. She once told me she did not respect me, hence giving her the “right” to act like a bitch. She was never on time. She was rude when she spoke, swearing at me even. Basically, the happiness of the relationship depended on her mood, which swung like a female Tarzan on her period.
Tell me, how should I’ve felt when all I saw was an insecure, little girl who could not get her life together and ALWAYS cried when the pressure was too strong?
My third girlfriend was a very mean-spirited person. She slapped me, a lot, once even in front of her parents. She broke glasses and shit. She cursed and screamed. She threatened to break up in every, single fight without fail. She was also abusive towards customer service staff. Once, she refused to give up her seat to the elderly on the bus.
Tell me, how should I’ve felt when she bluntly made allusions to my deceased father? Yeah. She was referred to him as a “common topic” when she was mad at me for catching up with a friend whose father passed on recently at that time.
These three take the Hall of Shame in my life of meeting and dealing with people.
After that, I pretty much became super, fucking awesome. I met and dated tons of girls. And today, I’m in love with my beautiful girlfriend whom I intend to be with forever.
The question is: How and why are people meeting really fucked up people and even end up in toxic, and unhappy relationships?
I can help.
There’s no real, direct answer. Because this is fucking life. And as with life in all people, it’s complicated as hell.
The myth of meeting the wrong people in the wrong places
Sorry, there’s no wrong people. There’s also no wrong place.
It’s just people, and it’s just places.
Can you say it’s “wrong” to make friends? I don’t think so. Even if you’re an introvert who prefers to be alone, making friends is never a bad thing. And with that, it always starts with making friends. Do you get it now? All friendship, relationship, romance, love and even fuck buddies all start with making friends. It’s as simple as that.
Can you also say a place is wrong? Shit. There’re so many successful couples who met in the weirdest places, like the World of Warcraft.
It’s absolutely ridiculous to think that people in your life are wrong or that places are wrong just because YOU are unhappy.
That’s right. It’s YOU. It’s YOUR fault.
But I don’t blame you. Sometimes you just get caught up with life. You end up following the dumbass rules of society or you’re swayed by negative people around you.
I’d admit I hold some anger towards the horrible ex-girlfriends I have, but not once did I blame them for the unhappiness. I also certainly didn’t blame my friends or… the church, shopping mall, club or whatever.
You just need a little mindset shift. If you feel down on your luck and totally lacking some romance, you need to start opening up to not just people, but new ideas in life.
How to find relationships in the right places
1) First off, stop blaming others, yet don’t kick yourself too much
Again, don’t blame the person or place. You had the serendipitous opportunity of meeting somebody and that somebody happened to have hit it off with you. You then let it shift into romance-gear. It’s your doing, and that’s perfectly natural. I’m sure you were happy being there.
But yeah, that romance didn’t last. The awesome feeling of chemistry died out. It soon became a very shitty relationship where you guys fight all the time and unfortunately, your partner cheated on you.
That fucking sucks. The breakup created a void and you feel all the hurt. It’s painful.
But you still can’t blame anyone else. Yet, that’s not to say you should start telling yourself you’re a useless piece of shit or a loser for meeting such people.
You got to take responsibility for the fact that you did what was right: You had the courage to end off the relationship which wasn’t doing good for anybody anymore. Kudos to you, really.
You got to take responsibility for the fact that a better relationship and life always lies in your hands: You got full control. Never let anyone else take control.
2) Stop listening to others, even your friends or parents
If there was a “right” kind of relationship, then, to bluntly surmise, your taste in guys or girl is entirely up to you. It’s your fucking choice!
It boggles my mind to why people adjust their attraction factors (I do not want to use the word taste anymore. I find it objectifying) according to society’s standards and listening to others! Seriously! That’s dumb. Really dumb.
As the PUA communities like to put it, “Attraction is not a choice”. So whoever you meet, if you feel that tingling sensation deep within and your eyebrows are raising, good for you. Go with it. That attraction can explode with awesome chemistry.
Society has made it so that girls “should” be skinny and shit, while guys need a six-pack and drive a nice car. If you want to abide by these standards, while ignoring your own feelings, you’re in for a lot of stress and unhappiness.
Your family and friends, well, sometimes they just can’t shut the fuck up. Guys like to shit on each other if any one of us start dating someone who’s unattractive to them, calling them ugly and stuff. Trust me, I know. I’ve had my fair share of them. Let it be known now that when a guy says his guy friend has bad taste in girls, it basically means the former is an insecure loser who doesn’t dare to do shit in meeting girls. Their self-defence mechanism only allows them to shit on their own friends, then after that, they go home to their lonely rooms and cry themselves to sleep at night…. after watching porn.
So if you listen to others and ignore your own feelings, you effectively create a relationship based off others’ opinions and thoughts. It doesn’t take a genius to know that’d fail for sure.
Always feel it in your heart. Don’t let that go. Just because your best friend introduced to you some person they swear you’d hit off with doesn’t mean you need to care. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it.
Let go, and just be friends. It’s fine.
3) Learn the fact that all relationships start off by being friends first. No exceptions.
Speaking of friends…
Too many people jump the gun in relationships. They think that just because they’re attracted to someone it means they need to make that girl his girl or that guy his squeeze.
Then people screw it up on the first date as they have all sorts of shit in their mind. They over think things, “I wonder how we’d be like down the road”. They over analyze things, “Gee, I hope she doesn’t judge me just because I like my steak medium-well”.
Bullshit! Any form of thinking would screw everything up and put you off your game.
Sure, you put in that effort to bring someone out on a nice date. Guys, give her a ride home. Girls, look your best. But that doesn’t mean they are golden tickets to relationship heaven.
Do you see that by jumping ahead in your mind you’re screwing yourself out of a potential relationship? A date is for friendship.
By being a friend first, you can show your true, awesome-self. No plays. No bullshit. And you’d also be a lot more relaxed.
Why do you think couples who met from making out in a club on a drunk night end up unhappy? They didn’t date. They didn’t get to know each other. They took the ride of the thrill and flowed with excitement only. That’s fine… but it’s also a gamble.
If the gamble failed, it’s fine. Don’t blame others, don’t kick yourself. Move on.
I’ve personally seen friends who made this jump in their heads, saying shit like, “Oh nah, she’s not the relationship sort” or worse,” I don’t think she’d be interested in me”. Then they don’t a damn thing. See how jumping ahead also deprives you of making friends?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making friends. Whatever happens, happen. Let it flow.
4) Fucking just go to different places
This is about opening up to new places, new cultures and hence new people.
Hear me out, because this can be tricky, yet kind of no-brainer.
Ever had friends tell you, “You can’t meet someone from a club. They’re most likely not relationship material”?
Yes that is true, because every place, settlement or whatever has its own culture.
But also not true, because there’s always that diamond in the rough.
So… if you’re constantly meeting people in a club, and you find that the people you meet there are not relationship material, you only have yourself to blame as you keep trying to fight an entire culture.
Yet… if you judge an entire place to only breed a certain kind of people, like “libraries only have nerds”, then it’s your fault and your own missed opportunity.
Sounds tricky? Sure, but only the way it reads.
What you can do however, is fucking no-brainer:
Sick of a certain place? Go to somewhere else! You’d have better luck!
Stop going to clubs and hope you can find a girl who likes reading books. Stop going to libraries if you want to meet exciting and adventurous dudes who like to drink.
And what do you do with whoever you meet at wherever? Back to point (3). Start with friendship. Don’t fuck it up.
5) Learn from the past. Stop repeating mistakes
I remember telling a cousin about a breakup I was going through.
She simply told me, “The next one will be better. Once you get out of a relationship. You’ll never, ever settle”.
And I find that absolutely, 100%, fucking true. You grow from every relationship. You learn a lot about yourself. Don’t let those lessons go to waste.
I think many people cannot help but make the same mistakes because they have this (false) hope from within that what they currently do will be met with better luck; they have this idea that God, fate, time or nature will deal them a better hand.
I call bullshit on that pile of shit. It kind of annoys me that people like to go, “I’ll just let nature takes its course” or “Let fate decide”.
Love may be some magical, intangible force which finds you, but that doesn’t mean you ought to lay back and do nothing, especially if you aren’t in the right state of mind.
Take control in every fucking thing you have. You cannot change the past, but you can do anything you want with what you have today. Use that power!
Relationships are part of life. We meet and interact with people all the time. And we’re a bunch of emotional idiots, so much so we screw up a lot. Relationships don’t work as theories, but you can always take little steps to better your chances.
Yes, I’m always all for the idea to opening up and meeting new people in life. But sometimes, shit happens. Even all the planning in the world can’t guarantee that you meet the right people in life or even avoid pain altogether.
So all I can say is this: Just keep following your heart. Your heart knows. Your heart always knows. Don’t just believe in yourself. Believe in that better life your heart knows is possible.
It’s all good. Life really isn’t that bad.
P.S. Here’s a little inspiration: I met my girlfriend in a club in Thailand. Yep, we were both drinking. When we got together, I had friends telling me it’d never work out, saying long-distance relationships are bound to fail and that she was Thai, because immature people think I need to follow stereotypes.
I followed my heart. I got to know her as a friend all the way. I had zero doubts I wanted to be with her. And today, after fifteen months, I’ve zero doubts I want to be with her for the rest of my life.
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