Note: This is a guest post by Jason Foncea from Ryze, one of my best friends in the blogosphere. He’s totally ballsy, which is why I asked him to write this post on cheating. Not cheating with money or in an exam, but on your partner! There’re just so many different levels of cheating and it’s unfortunately so common today that SOMEONE has to talk about it. And here it is. Check out this playful yet intimate post on this taboo topic.
I’ve cheated on people.
And I’ve been cheated on, by others, have you?
I did, but only by my own definition of cheating, and I’ll tell you what that definition is in a bit.
Cheating’s a touchy subject, kinda taboo, and people don’t really wanna talk about it.
Sure, they wanna complain about it, but they don’t wanna get to the root of it. Well, in this day and age, with dating, marriage, and relationships changing so much — cheating isn’t something you can ‘spot’ anymore. What might be cheating for one couple, could be perfectly fine for another.
[tweetherder]So cheating isn’t a set of actions you can see, it’s something you can FEEL.[/tweetherder]
I’ll hook you up with some examples from my own life.
#1 Roxy Cheated On Me… Physically
I sat there in my basement, shaking.
My heart pounding like a jackhammer and my blood stuck like cement.
I was ice cold.
I was burning hot.
I was everything in between.
I felt like raging at everything around me and killing myself all at the same time.
“I’m sorry,” Roxy said.
What’s the protocol when someone honestly and clearly tells you they fucked somebody else?
Now, remember, this is back when I still had huge Nice-Guy, Over-Giving, Boundary-Less tendencies, but I’d still handle it similar to how I did way back then.
I accepted it. I forgave. I expressed myself about it.
What else can you do?
I didn’t get it back then, but all the cheating really meant, is that I didn’t stand for something firm enough, and I wasn’t clear and up-front about my wants + needs + dreams.
It’s true. I was a pussy, and didn’t stand for much, I don’t imagine a whole lot of loyal women being attracted to that.
And it’s true, I had lots of wants and needs and desires – to feel loyalty & honesty, for example – and I never once made any of that stuff clear.
I just assumed Roxy knew that stuff was important to me.
We got past that, and had a really deep, fun relationship, but she never felt like adjusting her flakiness, at least not on my oh-so-patient schedule, which was a deal-breaker for me, so I moved on 🙂
(who knows, maybe she’s the best now :D)
The point though, is in the first few lines… for a guy, finding out a girl cheated emotionally usually stirs up some powerful emotions.
Men are trained by society to appear rational and ‘in-control’ at all times. Although dogs can bite back if kicked, and women can throw pillows and scream if they’re angry — and society mostly understands… men are not supposed to animate even the slightest bit of passionate expression.
Any negative feelings guys have at all make them a ‘bad guy’ or a ‘baby’ or a ‘girl.’
So what happens?
Guys tend to have a bunch of Very Powerful Emotions surging under the surface, and they can control ’em for awhile – but a tragedy or major life event, like being cheated on, will almost always bring out these powerful feelings… and then… well, watch out.
Quick Understandings: [tweetherder]Most guys go off the deep end if you cheat on them physically. Shit can start wars, yo.[/tweetherder]
Now, you can spend your time being self-righteous, saying “well guys shouldn’t be like that!” but that’s how it is, and how it’s always been, and someone powerful leader or change-maker will change it one day, but it’s probably NOT you. So deal with it. Learn. YOU’RE smart enough to get this. Cheat on a guy physically and you may very well be inviting rage, violence, control issues, mico-managing, and more into your life.
The #1 way to cheat physically? It starts small, like sending sexy pics of yourself to some other guy, in secret, even though you’re in a ‘committed’ relationship of some kind.
#2 I Cheated On Monica… Emotionally
“I dunno, I’m fucking pissed, J!” Monica was screaming at me, spittle flying everywhere.
“Why? I was just e-mailing.” It was a solid point, totally intellectual, but in my heart I knew better.
“I know, but… I don’t know! I just am.”
“Well, I dunno, I was just e-mailing. Whatever. I’ve gotta go to a concert with Brandon and them.” I wanted no more of this drama, and I blamed her for being crazy, but she wasn’t.
“Fuck you, I’m going to stay with my Mom.”
She never came back.
See, I was in a relationship with her, but I wasn’t being honest with my feelings. Not to myself, not to her, and not to my ‘other’ girl.
And like most guys, I didn’t consider it “cheating” at the time. Who would? “Nothing happened,” right?
Wrong. It was a subtle form of cheating, and I knew it deep down. Not because it was wrong not to enjoy other women, but because I wasn’t honest with myself about what I wanted and why, and I wasn’t honest with my girl.
It’s sneaky, it’s underhanded, and it helps no one.
There was ways to avoid this.
- Tune into myself and my feelings and let Monica know that our sex life wasn’t doing it for me, that I didn’t feel accomplished or appreciated like a man, and that things needed to change — this would respectfully get me closer to what I wanted in life, one way or another.
- Instead of emailing super intimate things that Monica (and I!) both expected I’d be doing with her, I could suck it up, have some discipline, and NOT do that — I’d then start to be miserable and unfulfilled, which is a good thing, ’cause it’ll make me speak up – and it’s important I speak up about this stuff sooner, not later.
I didn’t do either of those.
I did what most guys do — I flirted and sexted with some other girl, behind my girl’s back, and when she became sensitive and called me on it, I played innocent and made her out to be crazy.
Not my proudest moment, but real talk, you guys deserve to hear it from someone who’s been there. Maybe you’ll understand the power of emotional dishonesty, and how it can lead to dramatic breakups, scenes, and separations more clearly.
Quick Understandings: [tweetherder]Most chicks go absolutely crazy if you cheat on them emotionally. She’ll stalk you and whoever you’re dealin’ with…[/tweetherder]
…and get you put in jail, or in some drama, or burn your stuff.
You can spend your time being self-righteous, saying “well chicks shouldn’t do that!” but that’s how it is, and how it’s always been, and someone powerful leader or change-maker will change it one day, but it’s probably NOT you. So deal with it. Learn. YOU’RE smart enough to get this. Cheat on a chick emotionally and you invite jealousy, passive-aggression, sex as a weapon, and more into your life.
Is this stuff politically incorrect? Maybe, but what you’d rather be, politically incorrect, or smart enough to keep huge drama out of your life?
The #1 way to cheat emotionally? Have needs and don’t admit them. Have needs and don’t talk about ’em. Have needs and don’t make ’em clear. Instead get them taken care of in secret, behind her back.
And that’s not all…
I’ve got even crazier shit for ya.
I’m a different kind of coach, and a lot of my success stories are women.
I believe in women. I boost their confidence. I amp up their dreams. I make the impossible feel close at hand, and most importantly I feel their beauty, and praise it, and they love it.
I revitalize women, and I do it with sincerity. I even have a coaching program specifically for this.
That’s not the crazy part.
The crazy part is that I’m super sexual with women. Like, a lot.
I’m an uber-positive, wise success-coach, who’s super flirty, and I don’t hide the fact that I’d sleep with them (possibly all at once.) Doesn’t matter who they are, I’m delighted life brought a beautiful chick into my life, and I fully intend to enjoy that in a healthy way.
I’m like a blend of Hugh Hefner + Tony Robbins or something. The closest comparison I can think of is Solomon (from the Bible.)
Anyway — many of the women I help, understandably… want help with their relationships.
And because I own my sexuality, and ’cause I study it and live and breathe it, and ’cause I talk masculine/feminine polarity all the time — women really value, appreciate and basically fiend for my ideas on this stuff.
My blog/list is filled with chick commenters + readers, and I help them all improve their relationships.
Here’s a story to illustrate:
Just the other day I helped a girl across the world who was clearly settling for sub-standard men, and it was hurting her esteem.
She’d plan her night around this guy, and try to be with him, and he’d keep ditching or cancelling.
Flaky and uncommitted.
I wanted to help create a little joy in her life, and so… I was my badass self — and I basically put out the vibe that I’d rather not coach her or talk to her or interact with her, if she was gonna treat herself that way.
This is not the normal way to help someone, but… the normal ways don’t work, in my experience.
And it’s natural for me, I wasn’t even trying — I just don’t hang around people who continue patterns of self-harm. I love them from a distance.
She got the message, took a stand with the guy, and set him straight about what was acceptable, even if it meant not talking to him again.
After a week or so, the guy came back, apologized, and offered to make plans and keep them. A complete 180. Bam.
And all this was just through Skype, a random meeting online.
I may never talk to her again, who knows, but I know that I helped her elevate her standards in relationships, and shifted her ideas permanently.
So, I hope you feel me when I say I help women heal themselves and their relationships in very significant ways, .
And I do this while flirting with them. I do this while making it clear that I Love Women and I’d fuck them in a heartbeat.
So, how can I help a chick be closer to her man, when I’m busy being a natural, hardcore flirt?
Doesn’t that count as emotional cheating?
Nope, there’s a huge difference.
- I own my sexuality, and keep it honest & direct – I don’t hide it from the girl, or anyone she wants to tell about it. I’d tell it to the guy even.
- I have an intense practice of unattachment. I don’t get attached to any woman who shows up. I don’t “need” anything and I’m not out to “get” anything.
- I love humanity, and want to help anyone I can, and ’cause no harm. I really, truly, deeply, and so purely it hurts want to re-unite people and smooth out lives, not create drama.
Most people don’t even realize if they’re cheating or not. Seriously, do you know, 100% pure, in your heart, that you’re not cheating?
The confusion comes ’cause people aren’t in tune with their feelings, or what they want, and they definitely dont STUDY sex.
People will study math, english, job skills — but oh no… not sex. Actually LEARN about it? I don’t mean see how many you can bang without learning jack. I don’t mean the half-class they gave you of sex ed in school… I mean really opening your mind.
Almost no one does that.
[tweetherder]Sex is just something we do when we’re not too tired… on weekends, or something we’re addicted to, at clubs.[/tweetherder]
Straight up, I’m not perfect and don’t know everything, but to me, sex is an ultimate pleasure. It’s powerful and beautiful and fun. It can help you reach all kinds of success, or burn you to emotional ash.
[tweetherder]Sex is not something to fuck with <snicker>.[/tweetherder]
Anyway… look… you don’t have to be crazy like me, but you can be honest in relationships, and replace cheating with integrity.
Integrity For The Win
My definition of cheating is not being honest and sincere with yourself and others.
As soon as you feel like you want “something more” and then you act to get it in secret — you’ve started down the path of cheating. First it’s 1 little text, but by the end it’s weekend trips to a hotel.
[tweetherder]Integrity, means strong values, and knowing yourself, and integrity solves cheating.[/tweetherder]
Integrity & sincerity: these are the mega-tools.
They’re the game-changers you need.
When I meet a chick, they find out my strong values, and how well I know myself… Real Damn Fast.
- To me, everything is sex. I’m open about it, and super-horny (but I use my powers for good :P) and I expect them to keep up.
- I expect my chicks to go with my flow, sexually, and to acquiesce to my creativity and sexual variety.
- I have a possessive streak for intimate relationships, which ends up looking like a double-standard if you dont dig deeper.*
- I love sex & pleasure… but I do not step on the toes of other people in committed relationships or with children – they have enough to deal with.
- I see the world as a giant, unlimited supply of people, and I’m not attached to any of ’em — lets quickly find if we’re a match, and if not, move on.
*at least at this point in my life. I change and grow and these things may change, but I’m honest about it.
See, no one writes about this stuff. No one talks about it.
Everyone hides it, and so, like most things hidden, they become dark and twisted and out-of-control. They start to fuck up lives, and people don’t even realize it.S
They end up doing and saying weird things, and they think “Damn, why do I keep saying things like that?” or “Why did I cheat on my partner?” or whatever. They’re all shocked. And I’m like “it’s because there’s ultra-strong desires you have and personality traits that you think you can CONTROL, but until you ADMIT them, THEY CONTROL YOU.”
And I dont think it’s too complicated. I think it makes sense, and I believe you get it.
What you express clearly, turns into an advantage that makes your life better. What you keep hidden in shame, creates chaos in your life.
So by owning the things above, playing with them, and sharing them as soon as people meet me (or even before), I set up a level playing field.
I make it so my partners are free to admit their wants and hopes and dreams.
I make it so we have insanely deep honesty and intimacy from the start.
It’s called sincerity, integrity, and knowing yourself, and it’s the anti-dote to fucked up romantic relationships.
When you have it, trust is a priority, and it makes life heaven. When you don’t, you’re worried about he said-she said
Quick Understandings: Knowing yourself, what you want, what’s important to you and sharing that every chance you get is key.
That means no hiding things!
That means if you’re pissed off, you figure out WHY and express it. That means if you’re horny and want some sexual experience, you figure out WHY and express it. That means if you’re not so attracted or turned on by your partner lately, your NUMBER ONE FUCKING PRIORITY is to FIGURE OUT WHY and EXPRESS IT in a healthy way to them.
It means laying down ground rules and deal-breakers on important topics in your relationship.
If he has some giant vision for a life of power, and she just wants a family — you guys are NOT gonna mesh well, and cheating is VERY likely if this shit isn’t talked about.
If she has some bold-knight/princess-romance dream and he still kinda wants a Mommy-figure, it’s not a good match, and cheating is VERY likely if this shit isn’t handled up front.
Ya feel me?
[tweetherder]Cheating basically sucks. I’ve never met anyone who was a huge fan, so isn’t it time you learned about it and rose above it?[/tweetherder]
[tweetherder]To be clear, all forms of cheating tend to bother people, but some more than others :)[/tweetherder]
The final tip I have is that if someone cheats on you — realize a) it’s probably not about you. They have issues and needs that need filled and they dont know the proper way to get ’em filled.
They may have given you a chance to fill them, or not.
If they DID, they were probably needs you weren’t READY to fill. No big deal. It’s not about you. It’s just how it is.
b) the main part you might play in all of it, is by attracting cheaters into your life, by not using sincerity, integrity, and knowing yourself. When you have high integrity, it’s almost impossible to attract a cheater, and if you do, it’s no big deal.
So take a breath.
Cheating’s not the end of the world.
We live, we learn. You have a chance to Google The Word Integrity. Figure that shit out. Study sex. Learn about yourself. Learn about others. Learn about cheating.
Do something bolder on the topic, or y’know, just keep repeating patterns.
So… did this help anybody?
Will you awesome Alden-Tan.com readers take the proper steps, handle your shit, and plant the seeds of great relationships for yourselves instead of DIVING in like a chicken with your head cut off, and cheating on everyone under-the-sun?
I trust you’ll do what’s right.
Will you guys have a better understanding of what cheating is, what you can expect from it, and how to take a different route?
I totally trust that you will.
But it don’t really matter, ’cause I got my shit straight… hahaha!
Join me or don’t, s’all good 🙂
Alden himself had this to say about it:
“A completely real and down-to-earth view on personal development, that playfully switches between zen-like mindfulness & ready-to-fight stance. And it comes with simple exercises. There’s really no reason why this can’t make you a better person.”
It’s spreading well, and I’d love to see even more people experience it, so head over to RyzeOnline.com and enter your e-mail address to get in on it.
This incredible product is my flagship offer and it should be around for awhile — (but no guarantees!) — and I usually chuckle at every one who actually delays a free, brilliant improvement to their happiness. Are you going to delay something so easy and so valuable? Are you one of the one’s who wants to stay miserable for LONGER?