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8 life lessons from going through a bunch of breakups

I wanted to write a specific number of breakups, but then I remembered I had to include all the unofficial relationships I had over the years.

Regardless of official or not, feelings were involved. Lessons were learnt. Nobody likes going through a breakup. They’re painful, emotional and filled with heartache. Most people just want to get over it and move on with life.

But relationships are where you discover new things about yourself the most.[bctt tweet=”With great pain comes great lessons.”]

So without further ado, allow me to present to you some of the worst times of my life.

1) People are not what they seem

My first girlfriend, let’s call her Kim, was with me when I was nineteen turning twenty. I met her in church. Why I was attending church is another story for another time.

By association, I assumed Kim was a really good and innocent girl who wanted the best for me. She didn’t like it when I partied or drink. No sex was also allowed on account that her body was a temple and stuff.

We eventually broke up because she had to leave the country for an extended period of time. Things turned sour because of that. I strongly believed then that it was because of that. Some time after that, I’d come to discover she was seeing her ex behind my back, whom she slept with before. Yes. I was the virgin. The temple was defiled long ago.

Lesson learnt: Fuck association. Destroy all preconceived notions you have of somebody regardless of how strong their appearance is. People are not what they seem and you never know what you’re going to get.

Note: This is not about how people change. People change all the time and that includes you. This is about how you perceive somebody from the start which is a very tricky and even dangerous game.

This is why I cringe whenever I hear my guy friends tell me about some girl they just met and how cool she is. When I bring up the possibility that she could be something else altogether, they’re very quick to inject, “Oh she’s not like that. She’s not that kind of girl.”

That is a mistake. That is setting yourself up for disappointment. Never judge too quickly.

2) “Your face is sacred.” Personal pride is yours to keep

Let’s call this girl Tara. Tara slapped me on the face in front of her parents. It was due to a very big fight we had where both parties were at fault. After the slap, I still stuck around at her place which was a huge mistake.

I told a friend about it, after breaking up of course, and he got mad at both me and her. He told me, “A slap is not about physical hurt. A slap is to humiliate and put down somebody.”

Call me a fool back then, but I always thought a slap was just a form of physical assault.

Lesson learnt: A slap is a really fucked up thing to do to somebody. I find it even arguable for parents to do that to their own child.

Your pride is all you have. Never lower it just for somebody, even if you think you love them. Man up and have some balls. The more you just sit down and absorb the pain, the less others will respect you.

3) Sometimes you need to adhere to your deal breakers and be done with it

I told another friend about the slap. He said that he’d have walked out and that was something he’d never, regardless of whatever the circumstances are, deal with.

Lesson learnt: We all have deal breakers in relationships and sometimes you need to stick to them all the way.

Way too many couples are unhappy because they’re constantly coming up with weak excuses to save the relationship, like “Oh she didn’t mean it. She was just in a bad mood.” or “It’s okay if he slept with somebody else. I drove him to it.”

Whatever man. You know best, but there’s always a fine line between trying to save the relationship and creating dumb excuses. A lot of us fall trap to the latter and continue being unhappy. Ultimately, you’ve to ask yourself if you’re fighting for the memories or a possible future.

how-do-you-know-when-its-over

 

4) Timing matters

We weren’t officially together, but I liked this girl a lot. Let’s call her Mandy. We went on a couple of dates. It was awesome, to me. When we weren’t together, we would text all day long.

Then a couple of weeks later, she disappeared. I kid you not, she fucking disappeared. Finding the Loch Ness Monster seemed more feasible then.

I was pretty hurt. I had no idea what the hell happened or what I did. I remember texting her to ask was there any reasons why she wasn’t replying me anymore and she replied, “Oh sorry who’s this? I lost all my contacts.” Right. Sure.

Lesson learnt: I’d find out later on from her best friend that Mandy had problems with her ex or some shit. So her way of dealing with it was to ignore me completely.

To turn the tables, there were a few instances where I knew the girl I was dating would have been really good for me. But me being the young douchebag back then, I actively refused to get into a relationship.

Sometimes the timing is crap. No matter how much in love you all are, if circumstances are against you all, then it’s just not meant to be. This is to say of course, that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re not unappealing or unattractive. It’s just you’re meant to meet somebody else more perfect in the sense that they’re coming at a better time.

5) You’ll do a lot of things you never thought you would, and that may not be a good thing at all

A few years ago, my girlfriend back then cheated on me. Let’s call her Candice.

But guess what? I cheated on her back. It was a stupid, drunken mistake on my part which gave zero chance of saving the relationship because I decided to be an asshole to her after she did it first. I had it in my head to punish her and treat her like crap before I “forgave her.” That was bullshit of course. It was merely a way to unleash my anger in ways I thought justifiable and to fill up the void inside me.

Lesson learnt: In every relationship, you WILL end up doing things you swear you never will, and that includes fucking up in ways you were against in the first place.

That is why you should never judge your friends’ relationships. However immoral or wrong you think they are, they’re going through some shit you will never fully understand. So before you pass judgement, hold your tongue.

This is why I find it so ironic whenever my friends complain like, “Did you hear what she did? She’s such a slut!” and I’m like, “Dude, it’s not even your fucking problem! Plus you’ve never had a girlfriend before in your life you noob.”

6) Never settle

I was once together with this girl whom I thought was extremely pretentious. Let’s her call her Nora.

Nora made me feel weak and pretty much a loser. She made me question my manhood. She didn’t respect me because I didn’t like photography or some shit. I don’t know. It was because of her I snapped and decided that I will not allow any girl to treat me like dog shit again.

It was quite a confusing time after that as I had a lot of walls built around me to make sure I wasn’t hurt again. But nonetheless, I adhered to the idea that I’d date higher quality girls after that.

Lesson learnt: Every breakup is a lesson learnt and a call for better thinking. If you want to be happier in your next relationship, then you need to actively seek higher quality people.

This may sound obvious enough, but we all tend to fuck up anyway. Why do you think people are always complaining, “I keep dating the same losers” or worse, “I’m the loser. I keep attracting the same type of people.”

It’s honestly entirely up to you. I think it’s common sense. You just have to find the right relationships in the right places.

Remember, your deal breakers are there for a reason. [bctt tweet=”There’s only so many times you feel you can’t judge somebody.”]

If your alarm keeps going off, run away.

7) Love is nothing but the peak of what you can feel at that point of time in your life

I remember asking one of my friends last year what made him decide to marry his wife. He, without hesitation replied, “This is actually a very philosophical question. To me, it’s all about timing and who I feel for the most at that time.”

And I strongly agree.

We’re not going to get too philosophical here, but look at it this way: People break up every damn day. Even people go through divorce. Is or was that love? Who the fuck knows.

Is what you felt for your high school sweetheart when you were sixteen comparable to what you feel for your current partner now at thirty years old? The likely answer is no, but who the fuck knows?

My dad died when I was twenty. My mom is now alone. Without life, is that considered love? I don’t know man.

Notice all along I’ve been talking about love, not true love. What’s that? Hell. I don’t fucking know.

Lesson learnt: Don’t overthink it. It’s only the idea of love. Do your best as a normal human being. Yet, give in to timing and cope with whatever comes next, also known as the unknown.

Above all else, just try to have some fun.

8) A breakup is not the end of the world

Lesson learnt: You’re not going to die from a breakup.

Read everything above again.

Life still lies ahead and plenty of breakups await you. That is something awesome, if you choose to look at it right.

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1 comment

  1. krist - April 1, 2015 11:19 am

    Hi Alden!

    Thanks a lot for this article!
    You are a dynamic writer. And your funny the way you talk to your readers.
    Best of luck everyday:)

    Always a big fan,
    krist

    Reply

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