5 things that will happen to you when you grow up

And I am going to tell you the things your schools aren’t telling you. Cause this shit is fer real!

I am talking DEFINITELY will happen to you when you finally cross the road and hit the zone called adulthood. This is when you graduate from school and discard your past to grasp some lofty ideals you think would actually happen.

Fuck all that.

Let a douchebag tell you what can and mostly will happen to you when you grow up. Sorry, that dream of yours being an astronaut and all that gay shit? Not going to happen.

1) You will grow into a fat piece of shit

Here’s why: After graduating from college or finally landing a job, you would be too tired most of the time to exercise. Working from 8 to 5 takes a major toll on your body and will to keep fit and healthy. In the office you are mostly sitting on your ass in front the computer. During lunch or dinner you would most likely eat out and, despite healthy choices you would probably choose the most convenient unhealthy garbage.

“Wait!” you are thinking, “I can still exercise after 5pm. I would have about 5 hours to do so before I go to sleep”. No asshole. You would be too tired. And for the more unfortunate ones, you would be stuck at work doing overtime like a loser.

Am I exaggerating that you would turn into like Jabba the Hutt or a walking Jager Bomb? Perhaps. But stick to the above and I guarantee friends will eventually notice your new chin.

Solution: Exercise at least once a week and eat your fucking fruits.

At least that’s something you wouldn’t need to worry about


2) You will mellow the fuck out


“to chill out, relax, settle down.

E.g. He was really mad so we all told him to mellow out”

-Urban Dictionary

That’s pretty much the definition of mellowing out. Sounds simple enough.

Now let me tell you what mellowing out actually feels like:

It’s when you just stop giving a shit about anything and that includes ALL your feelings.

Ever heard of being too tired, too lazy or even too bored out of your mind to feel a thing? Maybe it’s a foreign concept to you, but that’s how it is! It’s like if some major shit happens to you, take for example losing your job, being insulted in the face or even when your girlfriend dumps you, you just don’t want or even care to feel a thing. This is when you truly learn how to shrug things off and move on. 

I am 26 and I got into my first fight this year where I got punched in the eye and I didn’t even get to retaliate. My first fear was that I would harp on this for a long time. Surprisingly, I didn’t. I actually felt too bored to feel anger again. It’s like after living a life of ups and major downs, you just want to throw it all aside and be happy. With age and mellowing out, it was actually extremely automated.

Note: This can be a double-edged sword. It’s good that you would feel the ease of letting things go. However, there’s a fine line between mellowing out and lacking passion in life completely. If you lack passion and just don’t want to give a shit about anything, you will just become a bum spreading negative vibes to those around you. E.g., go back to point no.1 above. Mellow out on your health, become a fattie.

3) Your job is going to make you feel less than stellar

You studied your whole youth. “They” said that’s the way to go. Grow up, get a job and you’re all set for life.

Not true.

Unless you are working your dream job or bother to take the road less traveled which is following your passion, this entails the following:

-Feeling like shit everyday during office hours.

-Feeling depressed on a Sunday night.

-Feeling lethargic during work.

-Feeling unfulfilled doing work you don’t care for.

-Feeling less confident as you have superiors.

-Feeling happy on Friday evenings

-Feeling happy at the end of the month when your pay comes in.

That’s how it is dawg! I just got yo life figured out.

4) You will lose your friends

Childhood buddies? Best friends forever? FOREVER? Dream on. You don’t even need to be a douchebag to lose your friends.

As you grow up and experience life, so too will your friends. Okay that doesn’t constitute losing your friends completely, but you are definitely going to drift apart from them.

Because of work, most of you would be too tired to meet up. The word ,”busy” would appear in your lives VERY often. Really now, as bizarre as it may sound, people would be too busy to even reply a text message. I am guilty of that too, though if I do that it probably means I don’t a give a fuck about whoever that is. And before you know it, you will be like, “Wow shit I haven’t seen that guy in ages” or when you surf Facebook randomly and you’re like “Oh fuck I can’t believe she’s getting married like of all people!”

Well, you can’t exactly blame your friends for being busy. It’s just life. And I am putting it to you now, when you grow up, you WILL drift apart from your friends. Past memories shared together and all that emotional shit won’t matter much for the future as life sets in.

Also, a lot of shit can happen. That’s why friends fake out and fall out.

They aren’t going to teach you this in school: It takes REAL effort to maintain a friendship. 

5) You may or may not realize you can do anything you want

Four points above. What do you want to do with it?

As you grow up you will learn that the world is going to throw crap at you whether you like it or not. But here’s the good news: It doesn’t mean they can stop you from doing whatever the fuck you want.

The choice is yours. You can either be caught up by everything in life and think, “Oh that’s pretty normal. Everyone goes through it” then live a life of suck. Or you can think for yourself more and achieve shit you never thought you could.

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  1. jimmy - November 15, 2011 2:15 pm

    awesome post abt the reality after graduation from uni! hahahaha~

    • alden - November 16, 2011 2:45 am

      Haha Thanks Jimmy. Don’t let any of these happen to you ya.

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  4. sassofono - December 20, 2011 3:32 pm

    Hi, this is a great post! Thanks..

  5. Pingback: Getting out of the Matrix life | Alden Tan

  6. Roman - February 16, 2012 7:11 pm

    After high school i went to a trade school i gained a lot of weight i hit 255. I now lost 75lbs in about 8 months because i did not want to be fat and depressed. Its so true people just get tired to exercise and focus on eating to make themselves happy. I am finishing community college and going to a 4yr school. Deciding to join the USCG soon as well. I never thought i could loose so much weight and focus on life in better perspective i am 23. Friends do fall away and i should have listened to my parents that said you should have one true friend instead of 10 fake friends. But I am learning to be my own man and my friend to focus on what I really want in life and that is to be well off career wise and health wise.

    • alden - February 17, 2012 5:35 am

      Good on you dude!

      Hmm interesting, I never saw it as people ate just to make themselves happy. I mostly thought that people had no time to exercise or workout due to work.

      Yes that’s great! Be your own man! Just believe in yourself, don’t give up and stay true to yourself. Good things will manifest for sure.

  7. Blow - July 7, 2012 2:10 am

    One of the most ignorant articles I’ve ever read. Sounds like the ramblings of a teenager eating hot pockets in his parents basement with no job. Just because an article is on the internet and in paragraph form, doesn’t make it intelligent

    • alden - July 7, 2012 6:31 am


      If you can’t see the tone and message behind it all…
      … then I feel sorry for you.

  8. juls - July 15, 2014 8:17 pm

    I like what you said and How you said it! Perfect. Thanks for sharing it Alden. its good
    to hear a young person express his awareness. you’re on the right track.

  9. Gerry - August 12, 2014 4:17 pm

    Thanks Alden!
    This is a good post for people who are not yet 21!
    They can proceed to head off bad behaviors before they become habits!

  10. Kari - January 8, 2015 7:40 pm

    Great post! Love the part about “too busy to respond to a text”. Hilarious. Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

    • alden - January 9, 2015 4:17 am

      Haha this is one of my oldest posts. Thanks for checking it out.


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